Sunday, July 26, 2015

In Mourning...

The funeral is done and over with and now begins the mourning process until the healing comes to pass. Like I've said many times before, there was no sense in mourning my husband while he was alive. Now I mourn. Wednesday was the first day of the rest of my life as the window turned into a door that opened wide showing new possibilities.

I actually held myself together pretty well for the sake of my children and grandchildren. That was true until I saw my little sister walk up to me before the graveside service. She is my only blood link to my mother and I was a little, lost child searching for her mother's hug of comfort. She hugged me tight as I broke into gut wrenching sobs. I was totally spent afterwards. I sat like a cast away doll in front of the coffin while the minister performed the service. Silent tear rolling down my cheek. I fully expect to to have many such melt downs in the future.

The minister, our  retired pastor, drove five hours to be present and had a five hour drive back home afterwards. God Bless him for his service orientated heart. It was one of the requests my husband had made before he died. Our church has seen two other ministers come and go since this pastor retired, but he was the one my husband felt closest to and called friend.

After the funeral my old neighborhood, where my father still lives, prepared a feast. Smoked pork butts, mountains of potato salad, and other goodies. I didn't partake of the pork because of my allergies, but honestly I didn't think I could swallow a morsel with the huge lump I had in my throat. It did look yummy though. My sister in law and her husband said their goodbyes and made their way home to Pennsylvania, and our youngest daughter and family left for their Texas home. In a couple of weeks, they will be transferred yet again to Alabama. The third time in a year, but at least they'll be closer.

I'm worried about one of our cats, Patches. She is mourning our loss hard. Before my husband's death she was joined at the hip to him. We had to physically move her to do anything with him. Except to grab a few bites of foods and to do her business outside, she never left his side. It was during one of her nature calls sessions that he passed away. Then there were strangers in and out of the house (hospice and funeral home transport) so she didn't come back in. By the time she did, we had stripped the bed. She still hopped up on it and curled up on it. The next day during one of her nature calls, the guy came to take all the equipment out of my house. She came in and curled up in the dirty sheets refusing to budge. I did manage to remove the dirty sheets to wash them.

Now she just lays on his pillow in a chair. She is still eating and occasionally going outside, but when inside, she's on that pillow. I would take it away to wash it, but I don't have the heart to do it. I guess we are all mourning in our separate ways.

Wednesday was my first whole day with nobody here except the animals. By the way, our Guinea pig, Bella, died a few hours before my husband so there is one less animal to care for. I decided I wasn't going to sit around moping in the house. I went to my Brain Re-connect meeting. Later I went to my knitting group. Both I haven't been able to attend because of my husband. I was pretty well exhausted after I got home, I fixed myself some fish and chips with a green salad with lots of mushrooms. My husband was allergic to seafood and hated mushrooms. I enjoyed every bite. It was also the first time I cooked since my husband's death.

Thursday was a laid back day. I wrote this blog, watched some television, and started making myself a new sweater out of some merino/angora wool I've spun for this winter. I should have been going through the closets and removing all my husband's thing, but I'm not quite ready for that.  I also started going through my library. One of the girls in my knitting group offered to take them to the library for me. I thought it was a fine suggestion for all my books especially my signed and first editions. What they can't use they'll sell.

Friday, I did battle with Social Security. Remember, they said I wasn't disabled. The only way I could draw my husband's check, which is greater, is if I am ruled disabled for survivor's benefits. I still don't know the outcome. It will take two weeks to get certified copies of the death certificate, which I think is outrageous! Another 45 days for the insurance to pay out so I'm just twiddling my thumb stuck once again in limbo.

Meanwhile, I'm searching for property for my new homestead. I've got a line on a 31-acre piece of property and another 10-acre property in the area I want. I've got my contractor on standby just waiting on funds. I wish I didn't sell my property last year. I'm figuring the BIG move will take place in February 2016. I expect this house to sell very quickly. I'm in a very good neighborhood with a good school just up the road. Not many houses are for sale in this neighborhood. For an older, established subdivision, the property values are climbing instead of declining.

So for now it's READY, SET, WAIT!


  1. Whew! Take it easy, take your time. I know it's hard waiting on bureaucracy, though.

  2. I find waiting really challenging.

  3. Hope you ultimately win that battle with social security.
    Leave the pillow for the cat. You both need something of comfort.

  4. Take you time and blessings and good luck with Social Security! {{{hugs}}}

  5. Oh Jo, those melt downs come and go, sometimes when you expect them. It will take time to heal. Sometimes I wonder -- if ever? Someone told me "don't make any major life changes for 1 year" and I am taking that wise advice. Grieving, it seems, is a full time job.

    Then there's the blasted paperwork. First it's the 'certified death certificates' then it will be tramping all over the county handing them in/mailing them off, then a million other assorted sundry bureaucratic things -- don't I know it --- the business of dying is a complicated business, even when you have your papers 'in order'.

    Hug that sweet kitty tight! You both need it.

    Big hugs to you. Hang in there.

  6. Diane,
    Yep the simplest thing will prompt one.
    I know the journey of traipsing all over with death certificates too. Had to close accounts like utilities and credit cards that we've had for decades and then reopen accts in my name only.


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