Sunday, July 19, 2015

I'm Free!!!

The past couple of days has been surreal. The phone calls, the people, the internet blew up, but besides all of that for me personally, I've been set free. I still can't wrap my brain cells around it yet.

Some say I'm in shock or denial, you know, a grief stage, but that's not it. I have prepared and even had multiple dry runs of grief over the last twelve years. I've got the rest of my life to work the grief process out. There hasn't been a day that I have focused solely on me in a very long time. This weekend I ate when I wanted, slept when I wanted, and was only forced with anything when I force myself. Like the picture I broke free of my chains.

Sounds kind of cold and heartless, doesn't it? But today was a prime example. I went to church services for the first time in three years. I didn't have to worry about who was going to sit with my husband so I could go. I didn't have to worry about anyone's drug schedule. I didn't have to be concerned with if the service ran over. It's been ten years since I've been able to do that.

It dawned on me today as I changed into my slacks and blouse without the continuous sound of the oxygen condenser. In fact, the medical supply company pulled all of it out of my house the day after my hubby died.(My request) I've got a living room back and unable to move any of the furniture back in there. The plan is to use it as a staging area for things I plan to eliminate from my house. A keep, sell, donate room. But I digress...

The thought struck me that with my hubby out of the house I could actually use chemicals to clean with. Whoa! I haven't used anything other than baking soda or dish soap to clean with in years! I can actually use chlorine bleach again!

Along those same lines, but more personal...I can wear perfume, scented deodorants, makeup (not that I wore much to begin with) again. I would have this morning, but I threw all mine away four years ago when my husband could not tolerate it. I can actually cook again. I mean in my crock pot or some long cooking recipes again.

I actually went shopping after church today. I went to two stores before I found something appropriate to wear. I didn't think that stretch shorts and tank tops would be a good thing to wear to my husband's viewing or funeral even though the heat index is over 100 degrees F most days. Most of my pre-stroke clothes are too complicated to get into. They have zippers and a multitude of snaps, hooks, and buttons. Now while with effort, I can do all of these things I prefer not to. I get too exhausted by dressing to do anything else. Remember the twelve spoons of energy I have for a day. The point was, I didn't have to hurry which drains my energy faster. Made even better by the fact the total bill was under $15.00 for two dresses!

So tomorrow I meet with my husband's sister before the viewing. She and her husband are flying in from Pittsburgh by way of Canada. Long story. His other brother and sisters can't make it. Attend the viewing from 6-8PM. Join my children and friends at Murphy's Tavern for my husband's "wake."Murphy's Tavern has been in this town for decades. Long before I became a Murphey, but I thought it was appropriate.Of course, my being a recovering alcoholic for the last thirty plus years, I'll be toasting with Coke while the others will have a shots of good, old Irish whiskey.

On Tuesday, I'll meet with my old pastor who is coming in from north Georgia to do the grave side service. It's Murphy's Law striking again that the sanctuary of the church is undergoing a total renovation. There are also thunderstorms predicted. I talked with the funeral home today to make sure they'll put up a big enough tent. The timing of my husband's death made it too late to be in Saturday's paper and this small town news paper doesn't print a Sunday edition so it will be in Monday morning's paper. Again, it's Murphy's Law. But the thunderstorm will be a blessing. It will hide my tears. I really don't care if anyone else attends.

I'm looking for the door to close before I can start anew. A new chapter in the book that is my life. Of course, I still have to deal with Social Security, my husband's pension plan, and the insurance company, but all of that can wait until Wednesday. The sun will continue to rise and set without my beloved. All I have to do is breathe in and out until the window God will open for me becomes a new door to my future.


  1. I had to have a stroke to help me understand the pressure caregivers are under 24/7. Every little thing is more complicated and takes longer - so draining emotionally and physically. The freedom to stop and just breath deeply is a luxury I use to take for granted.

  2. Hi Jo - I felt the same after my mother died and she'd been ill for over five and a half years ... and someone mentioned that I'd been grieving for so long - it's understandable to move on as such. Your husband will be with you as you continue your earthly journey ... have a peaceful few days with these final farewells ...

    Then once the paperwork is completed and tied up ... you can as you say breathe in and out and be at peace ready to enjoy some time with family and friends without too much worry.

    Take care and all the very best - Hilary

  3. There is a sense of freedom and euphoria, and that doesn't mean you didn't love him. It just means you've been under a lot of stress and now you have more flexibility. Enjoy it, find the bright spot and live.


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