Tuesday, July 7, 2015

How Am I Holding Up.

This post is to answer all the inquiries, emails, and comments I've received in the past twenty-four hours.Well yesterday was horrible because I knew I had to deal with my family and his, and give them all the punch to the gut like I had received. But that's done now. God's blessings on each and everyone of y'all.

WARNING: This post contains heavy Christian material. But me, as a minister and a faith driven individual, I had to share it.If you take offense to it. Please stop reading now. It may have errors in it because I'm just putting it out there to all of you. Hey, I'm brain damaged and give me a break. So if you are a grammar Nazi, please stop reading.

It was supposed to be a quiet day with only the aide coming in. It was time for me to decompress some and come to terms. Even though my darling hubby has had a terminal diagnosis and been actively dying for the past year, there is nothing like someone telling you the time is nigh and seeing the proof. I thought I was prepared.  Hadn't I been practicing for his death with dry runs for 13 years? Truth is you are never prepared.

Today started with waking my beloved for his dose of Ativan. I rubbed his arm to wake him gently. I felt his hands creep up to mine, hold it, and then he drew it to his lips with a smile on his face. I asked him what his pain level was and his eyes popped open wide...ZERO! Wow! This was amazing because his normal pain level for years has been a 6+. I considered not giving him his dose of morphine until he yelped in pain when he tried to reposition himself in the bed. He drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face.

My oldest daughter made the drive down from Savannah and surprised us with a visit. She told me to leave him to her and just do what I wanted to do. I got a break! I actually just ran to the drug store and went to pick up a few things at the grocery store. As I was leaving the store, the pressure sore that had been brewing on the bottom of my foot where my brace rubs ruptured. I hobbled out of the store, came home and collapsed in a chair.

Once I had the lidocaine/antibiotic cream on it and the padded bandage placed I knew my time was up for freedom. I hobbled to a chair and plopped down in misery with my brace off. That was beginning of Murphy's Law hitting overdrive.

His aide called and said she'd be here for my husband's care in 45 minutes.

My daughter, with her boot on for severely sprained ankle ligaments, was sweeping the floor for me. One less job I have to do.

MOM's Meals (Meals on Wheels for the Elderly) delivered my husband's food for the next two weeks. My daughter, didn't know what to do with the freezer case, so I was up tending to that. 

FedEx delivered his new prescriptions from hospice and they needed my signature because of the morphine. I had just sat down and taken my brace off. 

Then it was UPS making a delivery. ARGH! All the up and down, brace on and off was really aggravating my foot. I'm barely able to bear weight on it to walk.

Are You Dizzy Yet?
My daughter had to drive back to Savannah before the afternoon thundershowers deluged the coast, plus she has kids of her own to care for. I thanked her for her help. So much for sleeping when my hubby slept like the nurse instructed me to do yesterday. In fact my youngest daughter and I had joked the night before that we'd both be exhausted from all the diaper changes and feedings or in my husband's case medications.

A light knock at the door had me up again. I had forgotten the hospice social worker had asked to visit us today because of Terry's new status as "dying process." But I was glad to see her. We share a kindred bond through Christ and the Holy Spirit. I needed answers to questions I was asking God and I just wasn't hearing Him. Together we have an amplified radar. It helps me sort through the noise.

I told her I was tired of having all these experiences in life just to be able to relate one on one to others to bring them into Christ's flock. I've been doing it for 45 years now. I know my strength  comes from the Lord.  I mean but really there are tons of people and ministers who had not personally dealt with half as much stuff. As such, the world will try to break that connection. I wasn't faltering in faith but sometimes you just want to know why.

She said I was a martyr for Christ to show people hope after the world stuff strikes. To be the light as a way out of despair and into Glory.

I fired back with the first thing that would come out of everyone's mouth..."Why me? I never asked or wanted to be a marytr."  Then it hit me. My prayers I end with "Thy Will be done." That's acceptance. I'm agreeing to it. God will use anything at His disposal to to gain souls and bring comfort to His flock. Yep, even me. Hand chosen for His Work. This is not said with any sense of pride.Would any sane person take ownership over being a martyr??  It just is what it is. It never dawned on me that this was what was happening.

But that was only the first question. The second was why did God tell me to marry my husband when
I had specifically asked for a man of God? My husband at the time wasn't a Spirit filled Christian, but God promised me that he would be. Why when God finally fulfilled His promise to me did He want to take Him home? The answer came to me as I was ranting and crying to this social worker. The voice said, "You are like a mother to a child. You nurture them. You love them with all of your heart as they grow. Eventually, all children become adults and have to spread there wings. This is what your husband is doing. He's coming to Heaven to spread his wings."

All this was verbalized aphasically at times and yet, when the revelation dawned on me, there was such a feeling of peace and comfort enveloping me. My anger at feeling cheated and used badly dissipated. The tears stopped and I blew my nose.

I know there will be more tears in the coming days, but for now I'm basking in my Father's love. I know I will not have to walk these steps alone...for He is with me.


  1. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord, our Creator, Savior, and Sustainer! {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

  2. I'm so sorry. He is always with you. What a Blessing your husband found Jesus.

  3. Alex, he isn't gone yet, but each day I'm seeing less and less of the man I married. He could barely reach his hand up to grasp mine today. For a man who was so full of life, it's painful to watch the decline.

    Zan Marie, Amen and amen.


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