Monday Mailbox ~Give Me aBreak

I've been borrowing from Peter to pay Paul to keep this blog going through some pretty tough times of late. My energy level is low even with three hours of naps during the day and eight hours of sleep a night, and everything else is suffering because it. In short, I'm taking a break from blogging except for the Sunday Stroke series I started.

Sunday Stroke Suvivor ~ Grief- Denial

As promised this is the first of my grief counseling for stroke survivors. Not all the stages occur in order within your life and you may experience several at the same time. The order is just a guideline.

Today is about denial, bargaining and guilt. Now don't say you are not going through this because you are. You are just in denial. <G>

At first denial is easy. I spent my first 24-hours in denial. I still go to sleep each night, after a year, hoping to wake up in the morning and finding this has been a bad dream similar to "Dallas." If you are not familiar with this old television show, a whole season was choked up up a bad dream sequence. Well, I can hope can't I. But the next morning I awake and find it wasn't a bad dream. I had a stroke. I'm am recovering daily from a stroke and all the new and old challenges from the day before lay in front of me. I could deny it all day long if I could lie in bed not moving, thinking, or speaking not that it happens that way. I can only play Ostrich with my head buried in the sand so long before I have to roll over to shift positions or have to pee.

Eventually nature will call and I'll have to put my AFO and shoes on to toddle off to the toilet. It only works for the short term, but may be intermittent and come and go. Something will always smack you in the face with the reality of the situation.

 "No, I can do it myself!" This statement is a form of denial. In reality, I can't do it myself, but I've got to prove it to me. A painful thing for caregivers to watch. It's a doubled edged sword which often has me in tears of frustration when I finally get it through my thick skull that I can't do it myself.This has worked for me and against me.

"I'm not listening! LaLaLa!" and "Talk to the hand." When we refuse to listen to others we only hurt ourselves. Sure they might not have the answers either, but if all else fails, they are a sounding board. Granted if you are in depression nobody can stand listening to grunt and groan on the pity pot, but more on that later. Just know that denial is a short protective mechanism of the mind. Realize this. Accept this. Sometimes everyone needs small breaks from reality. Now if your denial lasts for a prolonged period, professional help is advised.


Bargaining- "Lord, please take this burden from me. I'll do this or that better from now on." Or something along these lines, is another natural stage of grief. If you will do this, I'll do that. "I'll stop smoking, lose weight, eat right, do what my doctor says, (insert your own bargaining chip here) from now on, but just make it better."

Honestly we may mean them when we say them, but life has a way of interjecting them back into our lives no matter how hard we try. It's an Indian Giver's promise at best.

After my stroke I promised to stop smoking and then I was discharged home to a house full of nicotine. I was almost violently ill just walking into it. All my clothes, bedding, curtains, carpets, furniture, painted surfaces etc are drenched with the stuff accumulated over the past fifteen years. So I puffed and coughed through a cigarette to just be able to live in my house. I haven't put them away yet.

I started losing weight in the hospital and continued after I got home. I was very incapable of doing much besides the basics of self care. Meals were the TV dinner types. The nuke and eat. Of course with all that processed food entering my body, the weight inched back up. Having a bad heart doesn't help when you can hold thirteen pounds of just extra fluids in your body at any given time. It was frustrating at best. I zigzagged on the scales not knowing if it was fluids or fat. I finally gave up. My allergies went haywire during this time and I couldn't do anything about it.

Starting this Spring brought about better changes. I started gardening again to reduce my allergens. But still my weight was at issue due to my heart. Try as I might and with three cholesterol medicine I couldn't lower my LDLs more than 50 points. I swore off red meats and eating animal based protiens twice a week substituting bean curd, vegetables, and ate rich HDL foods to no avail. It's heredity for me to have high bad cholesterol.

So all in all bargaining and begging doesn't work. No amount of bargaining will change the outcome.

That brings us to guilt. The what-ifs. Now I'm big on what-ifs as a writer. Some of my best stories start off this way.Of course, we are our own worse critics. Nobody can be as hard on themselves as I can be. That's part of my stubborn nature. But all of us have a stubborn streak. It's part of being human, but I got a triple helping when God was handing out this one. I'm worse than a Jewish and Catholic mother combined when it comes to guilt trips and I do it to myself.

If I had done this or that, this would not have happened to me. The fact is, it probably would have. Guilt leads to depression. Guilt leads to low self worth. Guilt leads to you not fighting to get better. Guilt is the root of all evil thoughts and actions.

I had a physical therapist (not my regular one) ask me this week if I did everything in my power to prevent this stroke. I looked at her in shock. Now I had worked through my guilt ridden stage before now so needless to say I didn't need an additional thing to feel guilty about. She said I smoked so I didn't do everything in my power to prevent a stroke. Did the woman fall off the sensitivity truck? But like I always do, I pondered her words.

I thought back to my cousin Ricky who recently died from a stroke. He lived a healthy life style. The number of babies who have strokes yearly. They are innocents. Others who have no bad health habits who suffer strokes each year. No, I'm not helping my body by smoking. Yes, it is a big no-no for people susceptible to stroke or had a stroke.  I accept that risk factor. We all make choices. Accept the choices you make and move on.

I'm fond of saying, "Don't borrow trouble." Until the doctor pronounces the big "C" word, don't worry the whole time while waiting for the results for it to be cancer and how you will react. I got news for you. It won't change the outcome. Guilt is an indicator that you've done something wrong and deserve what is happening to you. Unless you've gotten behind the wheel intoxicated, hit and harmed someone else, it just ain't your fault! Yes, you could have done this or that differently but does it really change what you are going through now? No, not a lick. This is almost a part of bargaining.

It's time to move on. Accept what has happened as an unchangeable fact and go on from here. Because in the grand scheme of your life, this is a small segment. It's what you do from here on out that counts.

Next Sunday is about Anger.

Friday Fun ~ Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I our households we get together every two weeks as a family for a fun day. Four grown children, spouses and their children. This weekend is it. We've run into a situation where my grandchildren have started telling fibs. Not the older ones mind you. They've learned they will get caught, but the younger ones not so much. So it's time for "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire."

Years ago I came up with a game when my children were growing up. It was based on the Red light-Green light and Truth or Dare. I'm not the judge. The children are. It gives them a chance to tell whoppers and face the consequences. It also a lesson about lying. All my games and stories have a lesson in there somewhere. The consequences are basically harmless like getting shot with a water gun or sticking your hand into goo and finding a clothes pin of disgrace to wear the rest of the day. I cut the spots out of old carpet or you can use cardboard. They will get messy.

Each older child will serve as the gate keeper to begin with while an adult monitors the game for foul play. They start at the starting line and there are dots for forward progress.  There's about ten spots to the end. When I'm playing this with the older ones, it's twenty. Adults are omnipotent beings which can always tell when children are fibbing in a child's mind although it doesn't stop them from trying.

Playing the game:

• Each child at the starting line and makes the choice to either tell a lie or a truth.

• If they choose a lie, the gatekeeper has to judge whether it's a truth or a lie. This builds decision making skills in the older children.
• If the child telling the lie/truth is judged wrong they put a regular clothes pin on the judge's shirt. Five pins on the judge's shirt gets him replaced. The teller of the truth/ lie step forward one spot.
• If judged right or caught in a lie,the child has to pick a clothes pin out of the bucket of goo and wear it. Five cloths pins and they are out of the game but still need to wear the clothes pins while at Grandma's house.
• This continues on until one child reaches the judge position at the front of the line and becomes the judge. As much as they think of this as a reward, judging right from wrong is hard.
• If a water gun is used no head shots. Those can be painful.

While this is fun for all involved it is also learning.

Now the adults in the group play their own version of "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire" called poker. Usually Texas Hold 'em. We all start out with even amount of chips. They put a dollar per player and we put in ten...so twenty bucks is up for grabs, gas money. With my fuel perks I save that much and more each month with 20 gallons costing me $2.20 to $10 per fill up a month so I can afford it. The winner takes it all.

Whatever you do to have fun- be safe, involve others, and relax. You are among friends.

Wednesday Writerly Way ~ Steps to Publishing- Thank You Joanna Bourne

I've read and written a lot of advice on how to publish your manuscript. The best advice was posted in our own Books and Writers Community last week to a newbie who first her MS. This advice came from Joanna Bourne. She is the author of Black Hawk, Spymaster's Lady, My Lord and Spymaster, and Forbidden Rose. Yes, she writes historical romance, but I won't hold that against her. She's a darn great author and held my hand numerous times in the past and present. The discussion was about whether to get an agent or not and to self publish or traditionally publish.

So many people ask me this so and I always basically answered the same. Don't believe me, take a look at some of my past posts on the subject. While she took the traditional route and still continues it, I ventured into self publishing. No matter whether you want to self publish or traditionally publish these steps are the same.

"Congratulations on finishing your work.

There are a few necessary steps to take from here.

I. Get Crits

What:  Turn some chapters of you manuscript over to harsh, knowledgeable critics.  Listen to what they say.
You need critics who haven't been with you every step of the way as you wrote.  Critics who are not your family or friends.
This is not putting out a saucer of milk for the tabby.  This is wrapping yourself in raw meat and stepping into the lions' cage.

How:  There's a Writers' Workshop here in the Forum.  Absolute Write here has a 'Share Your Work' section.  Writer's Forum here has a Writers' Workshop.
If you are writing genre, there are probably specialized sites for writers of your genre.

Why:  Intelligent criticism of your work will help you write better and will prepare you to edit your manuscript.

II.  Let the manuscript rest

What:  Put the work away for as long as you can.  Six weeks.  Three months.  Six months.
(You spend this time working on the next ms and critting other folks' manuscripts, which is an excellent way to improve your own writing skills.)

How:  Print it out and put it in a locked drawer in the bottom of your desk.  Put all the work in a folder named "Open in January.

Why:  This lets you look at your own work with a critical editorial eye.  It gives you distance.

III.  Learn how publishing works

What:  Spend a solid 40 hours studying the publishing industry.

How:  Start out by Googling everything you can find on the subject.  Then drop into places full of knowledgeable folks and ask questions.

Why:  If you were going to (a) take a job in Thailand for a year or (b) go to State Aggie to study animal husbandry or (c) work for Avis Rent-a-car, you'd do that much research about (a) the country, (b) the university or (c) the business.
Why would you go into writing with less preparation?
IV.  Learn about agents

What:  Start making a spread sheet of agents who work in your field.  See who they represent.  See who they sell to.  See what kind of deals they're making.  Find out what folks say about them.
If they have an on-line presence, get a feel for who they are.

How:  Google.  Look at the acks in the front of books similar to your own writing.  Publisher's Lunch and Publisher's Marketplace.

Why:  That's the list you will query, when you query, if you decide you want an agent.  And after all, you have some time while your manuscript is resting.

V.  Revise
What:  Take the manuscript out of hiding and read it over.

How: Read and correct as if someone else had written it.

Why:  Because, unless you have indeed done this, the manuscript is not as good as you can make it.


VI.  Find Beta Readers

What:  Beta readers take an entire manuscript that is ready for submission and crit it.  Beta readers, if possible, have never seen the manuscript before.

How:  Find them by doing beta reads for others.  Find them by making friends in writers forums.  Pay them in chocolate.

Why:  Because they will tell you if the whole thing works.  They'll point out illogical story lines.  They'll improve the manuscript.

VII.  Re-revise in light of the Beta read

'nuff said.

VIII.  Get an agent ... or not

Three months have passed since you declared your manuscript finished.

You will have read 10,000 words arguing Indie/Big Press/Small Press.
You'll have the best manuscript you can write in one hand and a significant bit of WIP in the other.
Now you make this decision."

I know y'all have read me discuss the value of the Compuserve's Books and Writers Forum before, but this is an example of the caliber of answers you get. This is very important when you want the straight skinny on a subject. This is why after twenty plus years I still frequent this site.Look for the link "Links for your enjoyment." Hope to see you there.

Thank JoB, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Keep writing and loving the Lord

Monday Mailbox ~ Comments from the Blitz

I know y'all are probably tired of hearing about the Blitz blog and my being blitzed, but while I joined to support DL Hammon, I really didn't expect the overwhelming feeling that goes along with being Blitzed. To finish this topic off I wanted to touch on a few comments made.

• Awe- Quite a few commenter mentioned being in awe of me. I'm just me. You can't spend as many decades, well over half a century, as I have on this Earth and not learn a few things by the journey. I don't write my blog to instill awe in anyone. Just to encourage others.

• Inspiration- A vast number of you commented about me being an inspiration. The quick and easy answer is- isn't that what a good pastor does, but it's deeper than that. I was this way before I became an ordained minister. Yes, I have a story which I've only scratched the surface of in the blog, but so do you. We all have stories to tell. Some are are more "Oh my goodness!" than others but we all have a story. My blog is just to let others know "You are not alone."
• Speed Bumps- My speed bumps in life are always retrospectives. I guarantee you while facing those mountains there were many times I wanted to give up but couldn't. Just like you. Wouldn't it be easier to be the victim, yes, but is that any way to go through life?
• Attitude- My attitude comes from living life on a roller coaster. Everyone has ups and downs. I just prefer to be proactive. I just refuse to have a life that I didn't order. Yeah, I'm stubborn, mule headed, and down right cantankerous at times. I prefer to be the pusher instead of the pushed. That way I'm always on top. I stand on the rock of Christ and though I may sway and almost lose my footing, I don't fall. It's a lifestyle decision. I could sit around everyday and cry but I'd rather conquer and laugh.
• Prenotice of being Blitzed- No, I didn't have prenotice that I was being Blitzed but being proactive in all things armed me by a few comments overnight that I was the blitzee that day. So I thought I'd write about the Blitz since it wasn't a usual blog day.

Again, thank you for the comments and following. It happened after a really low couple of months here at the Murphey Saga household. I appreciate it all the more.

A couple things to note about the blog hops you choose. As you can see from my recent blitz of comments during Blitz Blog, promotion in writing is all about exposure to new readers and publicity as a writer this is of paramount importance. I hit 121 followers via Google Friends with my one time up at bat during this Blitz that equates to 40 new readers reading this blog from a minimal effort on my part. My name is read by all participants when I comment on their sites that can be linked back to me. An arrow does have two sharp sides.

Most blog hops are a flood over a short period of time. Haphazard at best for obtaining followers. This blog hop and the Indelibles Indie Life are the type of of in your face in bursts rather than beating you over the head without mercy. You can make an informed choice over time whether you want to follow the poster or not. On average it takes twenty exposures to make a decision for the majority of folks. Which would you prefer a slow burn that gives warmth continually on a cold night, or a flash fire,  intense warmth for a short time.  I choose the slow burn.

Keep writing and loving the Lord.