Sunday Stroke Survival: It's Complete, Sort Of

Today is the first anniversary of my husband's death. Goes by quick when settling an estate, as well as mourning and going on with my life. Still after a year, tears will roll down my face at times, and I still expect to see him in the house. I'm technically finished with the grieving process and it's the end of the official mourning period. I say technically because it's not over. It is ongoing and will be, but there are days when he doesn't cross my mind or I try to talk to him. He's not here constantly, but still in my heart.

I still wear my twentieth anniversary wedding set he bought me. I'm not ready to take them off. Honestly, I may never will be, but that's okay. I don't have to. Another widow friend from my Golden Isles church told me when I went back for my family reunion. It helped to be given permission. Her husband has been gone nine years now, but it seems like it was yesterday too. It seems like my old church has always been filled with widows, widowers, as well as married and single folks. Great people all. It will always be my church.

I still have bouts of anger towards my hubby for leaving. Like when part of his estate wouldn't sell. It has always been part of the plan to "see me through" after he was gone. I could have sold it for 1% of value. Not a chance, I do know it's value and won't accept less than 30-40%. My husband would be a very angry spirit if I had sold it for 1%. Or, like when I went home for the family reunion tried to walk out the back door and couldn't. The big oak tree in the back yard had come down in a nasty storm a couple of weeks earlier. No, it didn't hit the house, but it and the subsequent rain has totally destroyed my game house and all it's contents (pool table, antiques, nostalgia paraphernalia). I had to deal with the insurance company instead of him. The adjuster couldn't come out until the day I had to leave to come back because of numerous appointments in north Georgia. I'm still trying to get up with him via telephone. All of this happens as I'm trying to clear the house of possessions to sell it. The house should be empty and ready to clean by the end of the month with yet another trip 6 1/2 hours away.

Then there are the moments that pull at my heart strings like our newest grandson being born on his birthday this year. My daughter is naming him Murphey in honor of my husband. My husband will never get to hold him, love him, or teach him "the big bird." We had one other grandson by marriage who shared my husband's birthday with him. That boy is in college now. My husband left him his telescope that they used to watch the stars with to remind him to always reach for them.

I'm finally getting the back income from Social Security that they have owed me since his death a year ago! It isn't chump change. It's five months worth of payments. GRRRR!!! Nothing about my husband dying has been easy, but then again, nothing ever has been for me. I should have demanded interest, but I didn't. Next year about this time, I should qualify for Medicare. I'm crossing my fingers. My medical insurance cost will drop drastically when it takes effect which will be a blessing. I really don't think it will drop my pharmacy bill that much unfortunately.

With Medicare, the amount of coverage I receive should overlap and maybe even extend some. I know the deductible will drop. No copays or half copays will help with doctor visits. It will make driving to Athens (an hour away) easier on my pocketbook. Yes, there are neurologists closer, but I like mine.

All in all, on the anniversary of my husband's death, I'm coping pretty well.  I've had a few nightmares both waking and during sleep, but it all works out in the light of a new day. I'm adjusting. My biggest was moving away from what was comfortable and usual. It was a huge step for me, but a necessary healing one.

So today, once again, I start a new chapter in my life. I still have a few chapters to live before I join my beloved. Although, I really didn't want to. But join him, I will for all eternity. "Honey, I'm coming, but not today." Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Me, with half a functioning body, is doing quite well post stroke. Nothing is the same or usual, but that's okay. For...

Nothing is impossible.

Some Days I Think I'm Fine...

I haven't talked much about my grieving widow side. That's about to change. Some days I think I'm fine and handling my grief okay, and then something happens that makes me fall apart like my beloved's death was yesterday. Yes the first year is toughest and a huge transition! It's hard. The least little thing will upset my calm. It's always unexpected.

For instance...
Hospice called and asked if I could come and hangs my husband's angel on their remembrance Christmas tree. At first I said yes. Then as I was showering, I realized that I hadn't even been to his graveside since the funeral. I started crying and couldn't do it. It sounds like such a little thing to do, but for me it was impossible right now.

I was driving to physical therapy and a Christmas song came on the Christian radio station I listen to while driving. "A Different Kind of Christmas" by Mark Schultz.

It was the first time I've heard it. The tears started rolling down my cheeks so bad that I had to pull over.

The fact that it's the Christmas season doesn't help. It will be totally different than any I've had in all my years. I will be totally alone. All my children (sisters, brothers & my father too) will be in their own homes with their own families and in laws. My father will be in North Carolina with my stepmother's children. So instead of there being 50-75 head of people, there will be just me. Now I've had my share of invitations to join this or that family or friend, but I've declined. I just don't feel joyous.

Another part of me, I finished a mental competency test where I was drawing blanks for about half the tasks or couldn't verbalize the snswer. It didn't exactly bolster my feeling of well being. It will be a month before I know the results. Having a spouse die isn't enough to have to go through. I have the possibility of my independence taken away hanging over my head too. While I'm muddling through, I am not good company. Waiting has never been a strong virtue of mine.

Lastly, I received a package in the mail yesterday. It wasn't something I ordered. Inside I found two notes. The first one was an apology from the company for the long back order status. The second was a hand written note from my beloved to accompany the gift. I don't know if he meant it as an anniversary or Christmas present, but it was totally unexpected!

Some days I think I'm fine, but other days I'm a total mess! So now you know. May each of you have a blessed Christmas with you and yours.

Dry Needling and Updates

So starting last week I began going to my dry needling sessions again. It's two weeks until my next Botox series of injections. I took approximately a month off from dry needling because of my husband's impending death. So this past Monday I went in for my second dry needling session. Between the Botox wearing thin ( the spasticity is back), my fibromyalgia flaring up, the anniversary of my mother dying, and just general stress of my husband dying, the funeral and just living post stroke has really taken a toll on my body. I'm hurting everywhere. I imagine stress has been a major contributing factor.

The down side of dry needling is that when you take a month off, as for me, the positive effects wear off. The deadened trigger points come alive again. But you have to remember that I have severe spasticity too. I'm not blessed with episodes that only last an evening, but the kind that lasts for days unless something intervenes to stop the process like dry needling. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like without the three muscle relaxers I'm on.

With all the events happening in the past couple of weeks, I was back to taking my full doses of muscle relaxers again until I was free to do the dry needling again. I was even taking pain medicine over the last week just to manage four hours of sleep.

Anyhow, back to Monday's session. Like most stroke survivors, I'm on a blood thinner. It's been downgraded from Coumadin to Plavix. Yeah, that's progress for me and my high platelet count. I'm just warning you because the picture I'm going to show you of my lower bicep, inner elbow, and inner forearm looks bad. It actually doesn't hurt much at all.

6 hrs after needling

All those red dots and bruises are needle insertion spots. Yes, my arm was so tight it took over thirty insertions with the needles in this area to stop the cramping, restore full extension of my arm, and stop the associated pain. That's not including the insertions into my upper bicep, deltoids, trapezius, or lower down my forearm and thumb, or my leg. I had over two hours of fun just to stop the pain and restore some movement. It was well over 100 spots by the time my therapist was through. But I finally got some needed relief. Each insertion gave me a little bit more relief each time. So it was well worth it.

I'm still a firm believer of this type of therapy.Dry needling has brought me relief when I should be in agony right now. Now for a shocker...I moved my thumb and index finger on command yesterday. It wasn't much but it's a start.

This week I spent two hours on the phone with Social Security this week trying to reapply for disability. The major change is that I'm now attempting to get spousal benefits. The interviewer said that I should get an accept/deny/ or request for more information letter about it in THREE months. I'd like them to try and live like I will have to for three months without income. He then followed up with it could possibly take A YEAR or so to be decided. Ya gotta love the bureaucracy at work.

It's a good thing the life insurance and our pre-planning will kick in within 45 days or I'd really be in trouble. With my book sales in a steady decline and no new titles to offer, I'd really be stuck. I believe in being prepared as much as possible.I just have to be patient. Ugh! There's that word again...patient.

As far as my grief process goes, it's been strange. I'm actually more relieved by my husband's death than miserable. But maybe it's the lull before the storm. I'm not in denial because I know the love of my life is beyond my reach. I miss him. There's moments in my day when it will hit me that I can't get a arm rub of encouragement from him and it hurts. But it's not as devastating as I thought it would be. I doubt my love for him because of the lack of this, but then I'll shove that aside because he was my soul mate. Maybe because I saw him in so much pain and wasted before he died that I'm thankful he isn't here like that. He was so sick for over a decade. Now if he had been the man he'd been the man I'd married, I would be honestly grieving. Without a shadow of doubt in my mind. Maybe this is God's Grace to me.

I had my son in law rip out the wood wheelchair ramp this week. It was a hazard with me hanging ten on it every time it rained. We've had almost daily thunderstorms since Spring. I had been avoiding the ramp like the plague since the last time I fell. As he pulled up on the edge where it was attached to the cement, out poured a sea of red and black carpenter ants. It was even worse when he finally

pulled the ramp all the way off and exposed the nest full of eggs. All the ants were scurrying around. Each one grabbing an egg to carry. I spent the next three hours with a can of ant spray and doing the one legged squash-the-ant dance. I still didn't kill them all. This would not have been possible if my beloved was still alive. The chemicals in the spray would have irritated his breathing. It probably didn't do me any good either. I had a nagging headache for two days afterwards. Yeah Jo, poison the ants and poison yourself too.

That leads me to question, why is it that an amputee can hop one one leg, but me as a stroke survivor can't? Try as I might, I can't hop on one leg without losing my balance. How about it other strokees, can you or am I just Abby Normal again? Maybe I'm just to old to do it. Nah, that can't be it.

How has your week been?

Sunday Stroke Survival ~ Grief- Upturn and Acceptance

Today is the last segment on grief. It is the upturn and acceptance.  Acceptance is the ultimate goal in your recovery process. I will say this and I'll say it again. There is no cure for grief. It is forever, just not as painful given time. With time it will not feel like someone stabbing you with a knife and twisting it, but a sting like a mosquito. Painful, but not as painful as before.

I want to make something clear to my readers also. I write this as counseling to make you aware what is going on with you and that it's normal. While I use me as an example, I've moved forward and onward. Yes, I have relapses from time to time as do most folks recovering from a death or a stroke. Each relapse is shorter in time than the last time. That is to be expected. Read the above paragraph. It's a case of preacher heal thy self with God's help and pass the knowledge on.

Yes, I still revisit all the phases as time passes, but in acceptance you realize that there are some things that are. It is reality and facing your given situation. Yes, horrific things happen and it happened to you. Things that you may contemplate for your worse enemy but in actually never honestly wish it on another soul. There are consequences to every action you take in this life and acceptance for your circumstances is the key to recovery. Acceptance depends on your willingness to move on. This is what cards you have been dealt in this life. So what are you going to do about it? That is the one thing God does not control and He left for us to decide...free will. It is our choice how to live our lives.

How would you like to live your life? The choice is yours. Your present is what you make it. Would you rather lives in the stinking quagmire of guilt, denial, anger, and depression of memories of the past you and longing to have it back? The past is past and baring some time machine, we can't go back and change it. Or would you rather look to a brighter tomorrow where you strive to get better? The choice is ultimately yours.

For me, I end my usual stroke survival posts with "nothing is impossible with determination." I mean it. It's my way of looking to a brighter future and I hope to impart that message on to you. I always look to the light or brightness. Yes, there are a lot of dark times in my past and my future, but I will always walk towards the light. There is always a glimmer there in our souls just waiting for us to see it. You have to want to see it and walk towards it to reach acceptance.

Another thing I usually say on this blog is, "for right now." It's a quantifying statement of acceptance. Everything in this life is temporal. It's perception of what we are experiencing. The thing about perception is that it is constantly changing with circumstances and knowledge. My perception of life as a child is nothing like my perception as an adult, or an elder person.It does not mean I will not try to make it better. I am a mother and grandmother who will always try to kiss it and make it better.

Another reason for my quantifying statement is while I accept the way I am this minute, I refuse to give up hope for a better tomorrow. A tomorrow where I've learned new adaptable helps or recover some of what I've lost. Life is an ever evolving process. What is paramount today may not be tomorrow. When you reach a level of complacency, events will always step forward to disrupt it if you let it. When you've had the worse thing that you can imagine happen to you, be aware there may be even worse things in the future. But does that stop you from trying to live your life? No. So long as you are breathing, there is hope for a better tomorrow.

My prayers are heart felt for all of you that you reach a level of acceptance. Reach beyond it. Never be complacent with life as you know it. Be aware of changes that happen in your life have a purpose as a growth experience. And no, I want no one to have to go through these trials for a growth experience, but here we are. The question is, "What do you want your tomorrow to be?

Sunday Stroke Survival ~ Grief- Depression

Welcome to stage three of my series on grief counseling. Today's topic is depression. Everyone gets depressed once in a while. If someone tells you they've never been depressed and they are over the age of ten...THEY ARE LYING.

That's like the couple that say they never argue. Someone is stuffing their feelings and they are not communicating to each other. They are in big trouble.

You've had a significant loss in your life and it has changed forever. If there is any more greater reason to be depressed, I can't think of one. Everyone gets blue when thinking of what they've lost.

Honestly, I still get in a blue mood on August 2nd and November 19th, the anniversaries of my mother's death and my son's. It's been 30 years for one and 27 for the other. These were traumatic losses for me and those dates will live forever in my brain until I die, maybe even after that. Like I've said, there is no cure for grief only coping mechanics.

You feel a lack of energy. You cry a lot. You get angered easily and inappropriately. Your blue. You may even think your life is over. You may even think of suicide to end this pain and you lack the will to go on. After all, everyone else would be better off without you putting yourself and them through this. Did I hit a raw nerve or strike a chord of truth with these statements?

First, realize that this is depression. It's a disease process. It's also a normal process when faced with a loss. It's part of the cycle of grief. What I mentioned earlier about getting blue is different than what I'm talking about here. That's old healing, but a remembrance honoring a past hurt and family in my life who have passed on. It doesn't fully impact my daily life to the exception of all else. That is the huge difference.

allposters.com

With the current loss, everything is fresh and in your face constantly. Every time you turn around you are repeatably confronted by the loss. Yes, I'm still there after a year since my stroke, but there is a new purpose in my life...moving past the loss. It went from constant to intermittent and I will always have bouts with it. There's not a day that goes by that I wished I had use of my arm and hand back (especially for typing), or could walk again, or speak normally, or return to my own, semi normal, old life. But it no longer consumes every waking minute or thought. I am stringing words that make sense and sentences. I am typing. Those are major milestones and should be looked at as such. They are proving to me that I am moving on with my life.

By moving on and getting on with your life depression lessens. At first you are going through the motions but with time, you are no longer an automaton. You find yourself taking an interest in the things that you are doing...you are healing. You are awaking after a deep slumber. You may do this with drug therapy and professional counseling or you may do it all on your own. Don't be ashamed of seeking help. You are taking steps to get better. Admitting you need help is a big step in the healing process. I, myself, am on an antidepressant. I originally, it was prescribed to deal with my fibromyalgia, but it has also helped with my depressive state after my stroke. No it doesn't account for my mostly cheery disposition that's natural.

• Get together with friends and family for an outing. You may have to force yourself. You may be surprised that you enjoyed yourself. Don't feel guilty about this.
• Go to church if this was your usual practice.
• Find a new interest or hobby that you didn't do before. Even stop and notice how the trees move in the wind.
• Fill your hours with busy work. Anything you can do without thinking. You are not suppressing your grief only sidelining it for a period of time. Be sure to set a time limit or you will be stuffing it.
• What a comedy and laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine. I remember when my mother died. All of were heart broken because we held hope so tightly until the end. My sister brought up the memory of Mom where she held out a finger shaking it when you were young saying, "You no cry." It became a symbol that carried us through the tough days ahead. It caused us all to chuckle at the memory. It still does.
• Baby steps. You won't heal over night. You will not heal tomorrow, but maybe in the months to come it will be there and take hold without you even noticing it.

Remember everything in life is about baby steps. You have to know how to balance the good and the bad. My children, now adults, say when I threaten them, "Yeah, but I can outrun you now." And I usually retort one of two things, "Yeah, but I can throw this cane like my old police baton and trip you." Or but when I do catch you, I'll be busier than a one legged woman in a butt kicking contest." I am a one functional leg woman after all.

I'll start you off. I dare you not to laugh or at least crack a smile at least one of these.

I saw that smile. Felt good didn't it? Right after my stroke I watched AFV for weeks on end to learn how to laugh again through my depression. Sometimes laughter is the only way to stop from crying.

Remember even your momma told you, "It's only a phase"? Depression is too. It's part of the grief cycle. If it gets too bad don't hesitate to get help. If you don't recognize it in yourself, listen to others around you. They see it. In the grand scheme of things this is a pit stop and it will get better although it might not seem like it.

Sunday Stroke Survivor ~ Grief- Anger

For today it's part two of the grief series that deals with anger. You know that emotion where there's this devil on your shoulder poking you until it overrides the angel whispering in your ear.

After a stroke or a death of a loved one, your emotions are raw and exposed for all to see. But with strokes sometimes comes the added bonus of inappropriate responses like I suffer from. I can explode in anger or break down in hysterical tears, or laugh myself sick at the drop of the hat. That is understandable to all that know it is part of my injured brain being over stimulated, but with strangers that's another story. My medication goes a long way in suppressing these but all bets are off id I'm under stress like the one wedding I officiated at or with coping with my husband's recent downhill health turn.

Besides this with the grief of loss, you become angry at everything. The dog barks. The cat meows too loud. The kids drop a cotton ball on the floor. Someone whispers "boo." Or nothing at all. It can turn you into a screaming meme. It's all part of your grieving process. It's also one that will revisit you periodically in years to come. Grief doesn't end, but it does lessen over time. You learn to cope better the farther you get from the incident. You won't stop missing what was lost ever, but adapting to your new reality.

You are walking down the hall and the toe of your shoes hits the floor wrong. The cat runs
between your legs and causes you to fall. You end up hitting your arm or leg for not catching you. "Stupid! Useless things! Why did this happen to me." You lash out at the first available thing. You aren't really angry at that person or thing, it's just handily available. In the short term this can be tolerated with open communication lines, but the long term is a different story.

What you are actually angry at is the loss. The fact that your comfortable circumstances are forever changed and changed drastically. There's the crux of the matter and if you are honest with yourself.  You will see the truth in the matter. It hurts your ego. Your life is changed from comfort to uncertain. Your future is changed irrevocably. What you thought about yourself has changed.

People do not like change. People don't like adapting.  For both of these statements I'll add ...unless they have to. That is exactly what happened to you. You had to make a change not by choice of want to or need, but had to. It's easy to blame someone or something as the cause for this change. But ultimately it is only your resistance to change that causes anger.

So how do you break this cycle? What do you do with a child in the middle of a temper tantrum? Well, you examine the cause. Can you change what causes these outbursts? Absolutely! Granted you can't physically bring back what you lost. No one can. No matter how much we beg and plead our case. It happened. It's real.

Now some coping skills to deal with your anger issues during grief.

• Take a minute to breathe and think before you act or in this case act out.
• Examine to root of your anger and the real cause. Are you angry at yourself or something else.
• Does the person you are directing your anger towards really deserve it. Part of your mind will say yes but to the extreme you want in to take it?
• Realize that the anger you feel may be justified but gauge an appropriate response.

The fact is you are not a two-year old who can't express what they need. Well, I take that last statement back in aphasia affected stroke recovery patients because they can't not fully express their needs. With aphasia, the difficulty is with communicating your needs and expressing what you are angry about.

I find the more upset I get; the more problems I have expressing myself. It becomes a vicious cycle if I let it. Instead, I'll hold up a finger to pause what is going on. I'll follow it with my version of "Be right back." I'll walk away or take a couple  seconds to gain control of myself.  A prime example of breathe and take a moment. Just because I'm a minister and have in depth knowledge of this process doesn't mean I don't struggle with this. I do. I'm only human and not Divine. That being said, there are ways to communicate your needs without speaking even if your partner has to play twenty questions, or extreme facial expressions.

If your first impression is anger don't give in to the emotion. If you need to absolutely vent your rage, do so in a pillow. Those around you will greatly appreciate it. It also saves money for all the things you didn't break. A mad at the world attitude gains you nothing but is self-feeding and perpetuating.  Make all around you aware that it's not them but you before you vent to broach any misunderstandings.

Again face the root for your anger. It's how you are adjusting to change with all the frustrations it brings. Deal with the anger and vent if you really need to. Be cautious though of lapsing back into the guilt trip discussed last week. If you have lapses be the first to apologize to those around you. Even a dog will wag its tail in response. It's time to put your big boy panties and move on.

Don't expect knowledge to be an instance cure. There is none. Yes, you will relapse into this stage many times during the coming month and years to come. Accept it. Be forewarned that this might happen again and be on your guard. You know the warning signs better than anyone else.

So what are you really angry about? Isn't it all about you? Isn't it resisting or adapting to changes?

Sunday Stroke Suvivor ~ Grief- Denial

As promised this is the first of my grief counseling for stroke survivors. Not all the stages occur in order within your life and you may experience several at the same time. The order is just a guideline.

Today is about denial, bargaining and guilt. Now don't say you are not going through this because you are. You are just in denial. <G>

At first denial is easy. I spent my first 24-hours in denial. I still go to sleep each night, after a year, hoping to wake up in the morning and finding this has been a bad dream similar to "Dallas." If you are not familiar with this old television show, a whole season was choked up up a bad dream sequence. Well, I can hope can't I. But the next morning I awake and find it wasn't a bad dream. I had a stroke. I'm am recovering daily from a stroke and all the new and old challenges from the day before lay in front of me. I could deny it all day long if I could lie in bed not moving, thinking, or speaking not that it happens that way. I can only play Ostrich with my head buried in the sand so long before I have to roll over to shift positions or have to pee.

Eventually nature will call and I'll have to put my AFO and shoes on to toddle off to the toilet. It only works for the short term, but may be intermittent and come and go. Something will always smack you in the face with the reality of the situation.

 "No, I can do it myself!" This statement is a form of denial. In reality, I can't do it myself, but I've got to prove it to me. A painful thing for caregivers to watch. It's a doubled edged sword which often has me in tears of frustration when I finally get it through my thick skull that I can't do it myself.This has worked for me and against me.

"I'm not listening! LaLaLa!" and "Talk to the hand." When we refuse to listen to others we only hurt ourselves. Sure they might not have the answers either, but if all else fails, they are a sounding board. Granted if you are in depression nobody can stand listening to grunt and groan on the pity pot, but more on that later. Just know that denial is a short protective mechanism of the mind. Realize this. Accept this. Sometimes everyone needs small breaks from reality. Now if your denial lasts for a prolonged period, professional help is advised.


Bargaining- "Lord, please take this burden from me. I'll do this or that better from now on." Or something along these lines, is another natural stage of grief. If you will do this, I'll do that. "I'll stop smoking, lose weight, eat right, do what my doctor says, (insert your own bargaining chip here) from now on, but just make it better."

Honestly we may mean them when we say them, but life has a way of interjecting them back into our lives no matter how hard we try. It's an Indian Giver's promise at best.

After my stroke I promised to stop smoking and then I was discharged home to a house full of nicotine. I was almost violently ill just walking into it. All my clothes, bedding, curtains, carpets, furniture, painted surfaces etc are drenched with the stuff accumulated over the past fifteen years. So I puffed and coughed through a cigarette to just be able to live in my house. I haven't put them away yet.

I started losing weight in the hospital and continued after I got home. I was very incapable of doing much besides the basics of self care. Meals were the TV dinner types. The nuke and eat. Of course with all that processed food entering my body, the weight inched back up. Having a bad heart doesn't help when you can hold thirteen pounds of just extra fluids in your body at any given time. It was frustrating at best. I zigzagged on the scales not knowing if it was fluids or fat. I finally gave up. My allergies went haywire during this time and I couldn't do anything about it.

Starting this Spring brought about better changes. I started gardening again to reduce my allergens. But still my weight was at issue due to my heart. Try as I might and with three cholesterol medicine I couldn't lower my LDLs more than 50 points. I swore off red meats and eating animal based protiens twice a week substituting bean curd, vegetables, and ate rich HDL foods to no avail. It's heredity for me to have high bad cholesterol.

So all in all bargaining and begging doesn't work. No amount of bargaining will change the outcome.

That brings us to guilt. The what-ifs. Now I'm big on what-ifs as a writer. Some of my best stories start off this way.Of course, we are our own worse critics. Nobody can be as hard on themselves as I can be. That's part of my stubborn nature. But all of us have a stubborn streak. It's part of being human, but I got a triple helping when God was handing out this one. I'm worse than a Jewish and Catholic mother combined when it comes to guilt trips and I do it to myself.

If I had done this or that, this would not have happened to me. The fact is, it probably would have. Guilt leads to depression. Guilt leads to low self worth. Guilt leads to you not fighting to get better. Guilt is the root of all evil thoughts and actions.

I had a physical therapist (not my regular one) ask me this week if I did everything in my power to prevent this stroke. I looked at her in shock. Now I had worked through my guilt ridden stage before now so needless to say I didn't need an additional thing to feel guilty about. She said I smoked so I didn't do everything in my power to prevent a stroke. Did the woman fall off the sensitivity truck? But like I always do, I pondered her words.

I thought back to my cousin Ricky who recently died from a stroke. He lived a healthy life style. The number of babies who have strokes yearly. They are innocents. Others who have no bad health habits who suffer strokes each year. No, I'm not helping my body by smoking. Yes, it is a big no-no for people susceptible to stroke or had a stroke.  I accept that risk factor. We all make choices. Accept the choices you make and move on.

I'm fond of saying, "Don't borrow trouble." Until the doctor pronounces the big "C" word, don't worry the whole time while waiting for the results for it to be cancer and how you will react. I got news for you. It won't change the outcome. Guilt is an indicator that you've done something wrong and deserve what is happening to you. Unless you've gotten behind the wheel intoxicated, hit and harmed someone else, it just ain't your fault! Yes, you could have done this or that differently but does it really change what you are going through now? No, not a lick. This is almost a part of bargaining.

It's time to move on. Accept what has happened as an unchangeable fact and go on from here. Because in the grand scheme of your life, this is a small segment. It's what you do from here on out that counts.

Next Sunday is about Anger.

Sunday Stroke Survival ~ The Stages of Grief

Wait a minute Jo! I'm not dead, but survived a stroke. I hear you, but a devastating, life altering event such as a stroke has a grief or loss process similar to a death of a loved one. Once again this is an Amy inspired blog. She just blogs so prolifically that's hard not to reference back to her.

I've actually mentioned the stages of grief in various blogs but I don't think I've ever broken it down like this before. I do know that I charged $100 for grief counseling sessions that lasted twelve weeks in my ministry profession. This is a gimme course that is free so take advantage of it.

So over the next five weeks I'm going to explain to you the stages as it pertains to your stroke recovery. I will give real world examples of what I've gone through, coping skills, and exercises for you to do to gain a level of acceptance in conquering each step. After all, knowledge is power and control. It is something we as stroke survivors rarely feel until we work through the process. Understanding is the key. Think you've mastered it all? You've been a survivor for multiple years and this doesn't pertain to you, think again. I've met dozen of survivors still grappling with these after ten or twenty years post stroke. Am I through it all? Yes and no. I'm still bouncing around the steps taking victories where I can.

If it seems like I'm donning my ministerial hat, I am in a way. I'll be paraphrasing this to my pastor's blog as well because it is a whole spirit concept. I've spent years in grief counseling both as a grief stricken person and as a counselor. So needless to say, I recognized it in my own stroke recovery as well.

The Stages

And if you want to carry it farther into seven steps, you can.

Both apply in a case like a stroke. I usually combine Shock and Denial, and Bargaining and Guilt, the Upturn, Reconstruction with Acceptance. So my version is five steps while taking the seven into consideration. Now with death this process takes roughly a year to complete or maybe a little longer. With stroke recovery it may takes years! You may bounce between levels or be on multiple levels at the same time and you may gain acceptance in certain areas faster than others.

Why should stroke survivors care about this? The ultimate of ultimates of recovery is to be...

•  the best you can be given the circumstances
• a more proactive survivor
• aware that this is going on and it's normal. Isn't it nice to be considered normal. <g>
• forewarned is forearmed

Knowledge is power. Foresight is awesome. Being prepared is everything. Tune in next week for the first installment...Shock and Denial.

Nothing is impossible with determination.