Sunday Stroke Survival: Changing Responsibilities

Today's post is about changing responsibilities after a stroke. If you are like me, you had help to delegate your "chores" to children, in laws/outlaws, or just general family just after my first strokes.  I know many out there in reader land who do not have this luxury.

I was luckier and unlucky in that respect. I was able to gradually able to rapidly slide back into my new old life. I was only in hospital and a recovery unit for 30 days. It wasn't enough time.

BUT REMEMBER...

• Offers of help/assistance only apply on the other person's schedule not yours for the most part. I sometimes had  to call 3 or 4 people just to make one doctor or therapy appointment. But at least I had that option. Others without this resource have to depend on medical transport.

• This is only temporary. At best 1-6 months worth. After that, you become a burden to avoid. If I sound cynical, it's because I know human nature.
• After those willingness to help folks are gone or sporadic at best, you are on your own. 
• During this time you relinquish all control and choice to others. 
•  You'll know when you assert yourself as a back seat driver that you want your choices heard. This is taken as being ungratefully by the people who are trying to help you. They will distance themselves from you as a result.

Now for some other things...

• Shopping- when you send others to do your shopping for you, they spend more and pick up the wrong items. To go with them has a few obstacles. For me, this included finding someone to care for my terminally ill husband while I was gone. Then, there was the issue of my chronic fatigue after my strokes. An hour at physical therapy or shopping had me napping for an hour afterwards.
•  Cooking- You might be lucky and have a daughter who brought over a plate of food each day, or have a neighbor bring over a container of chicken & dumplings.This is a challenge on a daily basis even for a professionally.trained chef such as myself. Your brain is sluggish. Meal planning is almost an impossible feat. Stouffers and frozen meals to the rescue. Nuke and it. But soon the repeated meals wear you down. How many times can you eat lasagna or Welsh rabbit in a week? You want to cook, or at least I did, but I could barely stand.
• Cleaning- This can be very challenging without a dishwasher. I found that using a smaller sink. Sweeping is doable by holding the broomstick with your chin. The broomstick is also a great cane. Dustpans with a handle is an essential. Dusting, you can leans against the desk or furniture you are dusting. Laundry- I opted for a laundry service. For $0.75 a lb, they washed, dried and folded or hung your clothes. They even put it your car for you.

That pretty much covered the basics besides the self care. That's another open can of worms. I make

it sound so easy and it's not. But with each task you try and fail, or try and accomplish proves to yourself that you can do. Some parts of your life have taken a detour and gone walk about (God only knows when they will return). But even a baby step forward leads to confidence to take another.

 I challenge myself each and every day. Some mornings, it's a challenge to get out of bed, but I do it. That is an accomplishment to feel good about. To keep that victorious feeling going, I accept, even look for it, another challenge. Today for me is making a pharmacy run and go to Walmart for some items. I hate shopping at Walmart! Too big, too many people and a necessary trip. This is a major accomplishment. But that's not all. Today, I'm stepping  out of my comfort zone and raw packing beef stew into canning jars. I've never done this before. I've only hot packed this. Wish me luck.

Nothing is impossible.

Thursday Turmoil ~ A Response to Ali's Blog

This week over on Ali Cross' blog, she blogged about "Call Me If You Need Anything." I thought about leaving a long comment but didn't. I'll do it here today instead. It is a rant of sorts, so be warned.  It wouldn't be a Thursday Turmoil if it wasn't. It may sound like I've got a chip on my shoulder, please be aware that I don't. I'm just giving the other side's view.

Do you know how many people have made this comment to me over the past ten years since my husband got sick and the year since my stroke... everyone that knew our circumstances. When you consider the congregation at church (not only mine but other ten churches), the hospital that I was on pastoral staff, courthouses that I helped at a moment's notice, all the local groups such as writers and businesses, foundations, ministry, work related, co-workers, etc not to mention friends of our family, it tallies up to a quarter of million times. No, that's not an exaggeration.

The little devil on my shoulder wants to answer dripping with sarcasm...
NEED ANYTHING? For my DH (darling hubby) Got a cure for cancer handy? Stop his pain. Or maybe you can restore my husband to his former robust self. For me, it's give me back the use my arm, wrist, hand and fingers, or make me walk without a AFO and cane, or maybe restore my mind to pre-stroke status. But no, I flick the devil off and answer that there isn't anything they can do for us and there isn't as far as those needs are concerned.

Now I know all these people will help IF- A) there was anything I truly needed, and/or B) if they have the time. Some would even stop what they were doing to help. All I have to do is ask and there's the problem. I have to remember who offered what, find their telephone number, match my need to their schedule and then if they can't go down the list to find someone who can. That's a lot of talking on the phone for someone like me with aphasia and no short term memory.


Now, I understand people saying this because they don't know what to say to you. I understand they mean well and are genuine in their offer of help. I also understand they have their own lives and I don't want to be a burden. This isn't a slap in the face to those that offered or didn't offer help.

My children and grandchildren are different. They know my house is a diaster area waiting on a condemned sign with half finished renovation projects. Clothes piled up yeah high, a sink with dirty dishes, floors scattered with debris because I didn't have the energy to vacuum because I used the last ounce I had taking care of my husband. "Gee whiz Grandma, let me carry out that bag of trash to the dumpster for you" type thing. "Can I roll it out to the street for you?" They all see me at least once a week. Besides, they owe me.

Not that others don't owe me as well, they do. But I never intended on collecting on those debts. I've always been generous to those in need even now even if it's a listening ear or sage bit of wisdom. Worse comes to worse the least I can do is pray.

The other well meaning statement I often hear is, "You're doing so much better than the last time I
saw you." The last time you saw me was when I was in the hospital just after my stroke or right after I got out when I couldn't talk, barely swallow, couldn't walk, or barely lift my head. Well doh! I've worked hard this year. I've worked harder than when I was holding down a full time and a part time jobs, raising four children alone, and going to college learning how to do something else with my life. The achievements and modifications I've made in the past year in our lives, 99% was because I HAD to take care of myself and my husband with children, their spouses and grandchildren thrown into the mix...just like y'all. Life does go on so long as we're above ground. The only thing I could do was go on.

For this I honestly thank y'all. I wouldn't have gained so much if y'all had of helped me do everything. But getting back to Ali's post for a minute. The gist of her post was not to offer help, but act. I agree with this wholeheartedly. If you are going shopping, call and ask me if I want to go or need anything from the store. Cook an extra plate or two of food and bring it by. It won't be turned down. Drop a card in the mail when you think of us.(Please something besides bills and AT&T ads) Most times when people ask me if I need anything, I can't think of anything at the moment. Maybe a card with your phone number on it and what you are willing to do would be helpful.

And to all those gentel, southern gentlemen who rush to open doors for me...thank you. A word of caution though. If I've propped my cane on my arm and am pushing on the door, please don't push the door open for me. I'm using it for support and balance.

Thanks for listening.