Sunday Stroke Survival: I Am Okay with Dying

 You know it's strange the thoughts that filter through your brain just before falling asleep at night. Sleep for more than a few hours is impossible right now. I'm fighting the painful the cramping of spastic muscles. Come on Tuesday plus a week for Botox to kick in. 

This was the case tonight. I slept for two hours. But as I fell asleep the thought struck me that it was okay if I died. Upon awakening, the thought hung with me and I decided to explore just why I took such comfort in that thought. I was really at peace with it. I mean, sure, I was  awake anyhow. I was in pain, but at three AM I wasn't about to take a pain medicine that would knock six hours and leave me hungover for ten.  I have a low tolerance for pain meds. I decided to gets up and put my arm sling back on. It did nothing for the cramping, but the additional support helped ease the effects of gravity. Putting on my AFO was a feat worthy of a circus contortionist because my big toe goes upward and the rest curled under as my foot strained downward and inward in the cramping position. Massaging the arch of my foot and my Achilles' tendon helped expedite the process some. It's more like feat in perfect timing than actually relaxing the foot to get my affected foot into the 90° orthotic when my foot and ankle are like this. But I manage.

I hobble to my computer by way of the refrigerator for a drink. The Velcro crackles as it fights against the muscles trying to pull my foot out of position as I walk. I finally plop down in the chair and the spasm relaxes a bit as I take the load bearing duties off my affected leg. Three more hours until I can take my next dose of muscle relaxers. The cranberry juice and tonic water will help some too.

<I'm wearing my "This is NOT the life I ordered" t-shirt as a night shirt.>No, I'm not on the pity pot. I'm just telling it like it is in my living post stroke life.

I'm in my rational/analytical thinking cap. Back to the thought in question. Why had that thought about it being okay to die bring me comfort? Most people would be terrified or fighting against the thought of dying. But that isn't the case with me. It may not been the life I ordered, but I've made the most of it.

• I know what awaits me...heaven. I have no doubts in my mind of that outcome.
• I've lived a full life with no bucket list of unfulfilled desires. I've never believed in a bucket list. I've lived my life fulfilling my desires short of a full recovery from my strokes. With the birth of great-grandchildren, it completed my parenting journey. My adult children and half of my grandchildren are set, and a firm groundwork has been laid for the rest.
• I'll be with my beloved again. This is my greatest wish. I feel we were short changed in our lives together. We only had 25 years, but there should have been so much more and eternity sounds great...that might be enough time together. I miss him terribly with each passing year.
• I'm ready to die. No, I'm not suicidal just tired. I've had more ups and downs on this roller coaster life than most folks more older. And yet, I'm thankful for the growing experience each has taught me along the way. I've been rode hard and put up wet in my stall too many times. 
• I feel like I'm just biding time. I'm still doing because I'm still breathing. My life is completed.

I feel I'm blessed by this realization. It's satisfying to have a sense of completeness and accomplishment. 

Nothing is impossible.