Sunday Stroke Survival: Happy Thanksgiving

Wow, it's Thanksgiving week again. The years seem to fly by after age 50. It's almost time to open my GITG (Give it God) box to get reinforcement in faith just how many blessing I've received and how God is working in my life. I do around Thanksgiving each year. I'm focused on especially on the areas of health (recovery), love, family, friends, and faith. After all, it proves what I have to be thankful for. I thought I'd share it with you.

HEALTH
As far as health goes 2018 has been the stinky arm pits of the year. I've struggled with my post stroke spasticity all year long with the pain and mobility issues. Hopefully, this will become a nonissue with the cervical selective rhizotomy the end of this year or the first of next year. The same goes for my spastic inverted foot.

I think Hanger finally got me into an AFO that does not cause foot pain or pressure sores. It's only taken them seven months to do it. I'm up to six hours a day wearing the latest adjustments. I'm still taking breaks every couple of hours of standing and moving for thirty minutes, but having to switch AFOs is almost a things of the past. I might be able to chuck the old AFO that was causing stress fractures in the trash in a couple of weeks finally! Hopefully in the coming year, I'll be able to find an orthopedist who will do the operation to rebuild my foot and ankle.

For right now, my stroke recovery is back tracking or stagnant. This will change in the coming year. At least that's my prayer.

In other health issues, all this imposed inactivity has cause my weigh to edge up some. My scale reads my weight between 155- 162 lbs. A weight gain of 10 lbs this year. That will change when I can get up and moving more. The fluctuation depends on how much fluid my body is withholding. That's all due to my heart. I can always tell when I am withholding fluids too much because I start wheezing. If it's not a double Lasix day, I'll make it one popping 60 mgs of Lasix instead of 40 mgs. Then, it's a bad incontinence day until the fluids come off. My stress test shows no new blockages, so I just have to keep the fluid off my heart and throwing myself into congestive heart failure. But I know the drill after ten years of dealing with my heart issues. I weigh myself daily to keep it all in check.

My kidneys are currently holding their own. The damage isn't any worse than six months ago. It isn't any better either. I'm still getting frequent kidney infections. I wish I could catch the bladder infections before it hits my kidneys, but I can't since my strokes. I just have to be extra diligent about watching for the tell tale signs of a low grade fever, lower back pain, and increased frequency of urination. Neat trick when your on Lasix. I've increased my cranberry juice intake to 8 ozs every day to try and reduce my rate of infections. If I can drop my bladder infections turning into kidney infections to less than ten times a year, it could only help the situation.

I've had bouts of depression this year. In dealing with all this pain and waiting, who could really blame me. I eventually get back on track. But I've dealt more with depression this year. I feel like a yoyo in all the back and forth. I find myself struggling to find my center. Now that positive steps are being taken, it is easier to keep the depression at bay.

LOVE
I am well loved by the Lord. There's no doubt in my mind. I get my daily quota of hugs, blessings, and peace from Him. I have no need for any other. I've heard more from my children and grandchildren this year so that's even more love received. I am abundantly blessed in that regard. I still miss my beloved and have periods still of pining for him and grieving his loss.  At the times when I feel it most, I'll be visited in dreams of him, remember all the things that made me love him more, and it gives me comfort. That is enough to carry me through.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS
I combine these two because they have equal impact on my life. My family is making more contact with me since I've moved away. My father has been released from Hospice care because of his improvement. He's still in a heavy care situation, but nor going to die of it any day. That's a huge improvement over last year. I no longer dread phone calls from home.  My family has coalesced without depending solely on me as I hoped they would.

I've developed new friendships here with the stroke and homestead ladies. I still haven't found a church to my spiritual liking yet, but I'm still trying. Although I'm a Methodist minister, my faith has grown beyond their teachings. Actually, it had broken the boundaries before I was ordained. But I'm still searching. I'll eventually find one.

And finally, I end up in FAITH.
(I went through my GITG box early)

My faith in the Lord is stronger than a year ago. I didn't think it was possible, but it is. I have been through the wringer this year. Both personally and worldly. I was shaken, but knocked off the rock my faith is for me. In my GITG box, there are very few items that haven't been resolved. Which is different than the last couple of years. There also seems to be fewer pieces of paper in the box than last year. God has handled it all for me. Or maybe, I'm trusting Him more and not having to write it down as much.

See, I told you I'd grown in faith.

Nothing is impossible.

Apology, Rant, Retrospect, and Goals for 2014

I've been pretty scares from the blogging world for the past two months in writing, reading, and responding to all of your blog posts, and I apologize for that.

Life has really gotten the better of me. Part of me wants to bury my had in the sand, but that's against my nature. But the though is nice and tempting.

I tend to lead by example. That's my approach to life and ministering, but it's hard.

Financially, we are at a place where I never wanted to be again...borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. The cushion we had in case of emergencies and unforeseen necessities, is gone. Prolonged illnesses can do that- husband's terminal disease and my stroke. Come in January 2014, we will be in debt again with no way of circumventing it. So much for my debt free life style. SIGH! I did enjoy it.

Now for the rant #1. My quest for Social Security Disability is over. According to the I'm not disabled right!
Administration I am able to work. Meanwhile, others who milk the system continue to be approve. It's down right irritating when pastoring a flock and leading others to salvation is considered a hobby. My book sales are down and I'm currently unable to write and publish anything new to boost sales...another dying career with my stroke, but

Rant #2. On a blog I follow there is a pastor's wife going through the same situation with her strokee husband. Helpful to know I'm not alone in my misery. She mentioned that the way people view hardships suffered by pastors and their families as leasing by example. I bristled at that. Go figure, it was an opposite view point against my nature. Yes, it's true I lead by example but I live in the world just like anyone else! Just because I'm a woman of God, doesn't mean we are better than the rest of you. We are not exempt from adverse feelings the same pressures you face when situations arrive. We just cover them with prayer and faith, but it doesn't change the facts.

Now this is going to sound totally crazy after the last part. In retrospect over what has been accomplished since 2012 and 2013. I've been blessed.

Given all the bad stuff over the past two years...my hubby being moved to hospice care, my stroke, and financial woes. I have excelled in other ways for personal triumphs.Yes, all the bad stuff happened, but with each hit I've managed to keep my head above water. I've met new friends online, continue to get support from a handful of regular friends and family. Not financial but in other ways. Actually, it could be financial because without them I would have to pay someone to do it otherwise.

Looking ahead to 2014...

•  I can expect more of the same. Doesn't that sound inviting? I'm more at peace with burying the love of my life. I can now say with certainty that life will continue.
• My stroke recovery will happen when I least expect it. I no longer expect 100% but the more the better. Yes, I've finally learned patience.
• I will be having surgery on my affected ankle to release the contracted Achilles tendon. I have no choice if I want to improve the paralysis of the muscles involved with the inverted foot.
•  I plan to breed my rabbits and build another out building (larger) to house the increase. I will be selling the excess meat rabbits. 
• I plan on getting a trio of breeding Angora rabbits. No one is doing that in a twelve county area.
• I plan on ministering more and possibly getting officially back into service full time.
• My youngest daughter and son are moving in permanently after my husband dies. I'm under no illusions that I can live by myself. My caregiver instinct will not allow it.
• I will wait on the Lord.
• Try and write more. Small projects (quick cash) while continuing to work on "Don't Get Your Panties in a Wad."

So that's the look ahead.

Keep writing and loving the Lord

and

 Nothing is impossible with determination

Sunday Stroke Survival ~ Time, Energy, and Talent

A year in retrospect and focusing forward...

Last year at this time, three steps was exhausting and had to take a nap afterwards. I was unable to walk, barely able to stand, learning how to speak, finding proper words, and wanted to sleep all the time, but I couldn't because my physical terrorists made me move...not to mention crying nonstop.

Today, I can do most of what I need to do with only one or two one-hour long naps during the day. Blessed be the Magical Spot in the center when I'm most productive...usually the first two hours upon rising from sleep. Being able to recognize this time and energy relationship is a godsend.

I can plan around it daily for actually accomplishing things. All the major physical things that have to be done in all our daily lives which take the most energy like bathing, cooking, gardening, and shopping is done during this time.

If you haven't had the turmoil of recovering from a stroke, then think of it as running a 125K marathon and how you feel afterwards. That bone tired, exhausted state where even the thought of taking one more step is impossible and it takes every fiber of your being to do it. It helps to schedule your time to figure out when this will happen and work with it.

All the nonphysical is moved to the hours in between that only takes mental power like writing and playing games as my energy level peters out before sleep. Not a moment is wasted. Even if it is only watching television, the brain is functioning on so many levels with eye movement, listening and decoding words. That goes with just listening to an audiobook or radio also, but your brain is working.

Why is "talent" in the circle? Because learning to do with paralyzed or hemi-paralyzed (I can't remember the proper term for this) body that's thinking outside the box to figure out how to function. That in itself is exhausting. I mentioned last week about what I have to go through with each step I take. This goes on with anything I do with my stroke affected side.

But the important thing is I do! 

I drive albeit rarely by myself and with adaptive equipment. I have a steering knob and since the hinge has been put in my AFO and my dorsiflex has somewhat returned, with my right foot.

Although I do drive with both feet to save confusion. My left foot deals with the brake instead of me trying to reposition my AFO clad foot. Similar to driving a clutch transmission, but considering I was doing all of the driving with my left foot only, braking in smoother.

I write albeit not without difficulty. I may write 600 to 1200 words per week towards my book, which is a big improvement over not being able to write. Some words are even ingrained in my memory now and no longer misspell them. Nuances of grammar are coming back to me with nocturnal visits from Abby (my Abby Normal subconscious brain in sleep). Now there's Jack too (my Jack of all trades side) doing weddings. You gotta love the subconscious brain. I've still got a long way to go and may never be the editor or minister I once was. It will get done.

Yes, I finally broke down & bought one.

I cook and bake albeit one handed and some things are beyond me right now. I'm experimenting more in the kitchen. No, I won't be decorating elaborate wedding cakes again any time soon, but realized that I didn't need to.

With my garden producing corn, squashes, tomatoes, cucumbers, and beans it was just easier to buy one of these new fangled, adaptive cutting boards with all of its bells and whistles. My royalty money put to good use. It's even a tax deduction too. I've proven to myself I can do without it. It was time. My expectations of getting my arm and hand back to full use by now was unrealized. That's not to say my expectations are fruitless just not realized at this point in time. I am going to still work towards that goal.

So its the simplified life of juggling time, energy, and talent to help me achieve my new sense of normalcy. Thanks to many encouraging blogs, comments, and emails, I realize my life is just beginning again. A year post stroke in recovery. I may not be as good as I once was, but I'll be as good as I can be for the given point in time.

I've gained acceptance over things I cannot change right now, but strive for a better tomorrow. The past is the past and cannot change. The only thing I can do is look at today and try to make it better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow. Tomorrow will bring new challenges to face and is never the same as today because it is now the past. I may not get the restored energy I had before my stroke but working around my time, energy, and talent constraints help me work towards goals.

Nothing is impossible with determination.

Saturday Sauntering Scenes as We Say So Long to 2012

As the year 2012 winds down to a close, I look back at what has done and left undone. We wave bye bye to another year. Those things left undone or presently unrealized are probably at the top of the list for 2013.

In any case just what have I accomplished in 2012 retrospectively...

1) I survived by breathing in and out each day. Although sometimes, I did not want to. No I'm not suicidal, but life has a way of getting the better of me at times.

2) I wrote various books and published them in 2011-2012. Granted it was self-published titles which makes the author journey ten times harder with all the hats you have to wear, but I'm still glad I made the journey. I've learned a lot over the past two years. My novels and nonfictions are still selling well in spite of my lack of advertising for seven months.

I didn't get the e-versions of my books edited for Kindle. I did not get Zombie Apocalypse: Travelers rewritten and published. I did not get The Mayan Serpent edited and published. I did not get Surviving Hank edited and published. Those will have to wait until 2013. When I get the use back of my elbow and wrist, I'll attempt illustrating the Sweet Haven Children's Series. But all that will have to wait until 2013 or 2014. No, I'm not being hard on myself. Nobody expected me to have a stroke mid-year including me.

3) Although he's made some downhill slides, my beloved is still with me. We've had a tough twelve years with his battles with his heart and lung illnesses, and his cancer. I would not trade a second of the struggle for his survival with the alternative.

4) I've blogged fairly consistently, except for my time in the hospital, this year and hopefully can stick to this new schedule in 2013. My following has grown by leaps and bounds, although I only show two on the sidebar. Readership is up with more and more comments either here or in e-mails.

5)  We managed to live on our own despite my having a fairly devastating stroke half way through the year. For the first few months, we will be forever grateful for our children's help while we got everything situated. While I'm still on the mend, life is adjusting around my new disability. I am gaining strength every day. My arm is temporary dead, but with time I expect it to gain functionality. So long as I remember to breathe in and out to hold the frustration at bay.

6) The economy still sucks lemons, but I hope to return to my ministry work by February for at least one event. I have scheduled a wedding for a family friend who is marrying the love of her life. Speech slurring and monotone voice aside, she doesn't want anyone else to marry them. God bless 'em. They have both been going through my pre-marital counseling course. When I will return fully to active duty, I'm not sure yet. The courts still call me three times a week to check on me. It's good to be missed. Whether I will do any more weddings, counseling, or other ministry work in 2013 will depend on my therapies and my progress.

Looking back over 2012, it really has been a pretty good year. The last six months have been a challenge, but not enough of a challenge to leave me faithless and forlorn. We have been truly blessed in spite of the roller coaster ride through Hades.

So looking back, how has your year been?

Keep writing and loving the Lord.