Sunday Stroke Survival: Keep on Truckin'

This week begins the hurry up and wait portion of gardening. Seeds, and transplants are planted. Now, we just have to watch them grow.

This leads me to the topic of today's post. Keep on Truckin'. Yes, I'm dating myself. It was the time of convoys and everyone had a CB radio in their vehicle. Although this decal is still around today. But, it's more than that to me. To me it means no matter what just keep going.

Yes, we've had a stroke, or related to someone whose had a stroke. But right now I'm talking to the survivor. Yes, you may be disabled permanently. Yes, you can't do all you used to do. Now, wait a minute is that entirely true?

Many people bemoan the fact of what they can't do. I say you aren't trying hard enough. I'm not wheelchair bound because I fought my way out of it. Even if I were, it wouldn't entirely stop me from doing what I have and want to do. Can you guess I'm stubborn? Yes, that's true enough. I don't lay down and just take anything.

Many readers read my blog and say I'm inspiring. My progress, what I can do, and achievements are awesome. But the fact is, I'm handicapped by a half not working body too.I struggle against clonus tremors which may cause my leg to buckle. I have PBA, and cry when I should be laughing, burst out in anger for no reason, and laugh instead of cry (inappropriate emotions). I have constant spasticity to the point where it stops me from walking or have the ability to straighten my arm. I  have aphasia and have difficulty finding the correct words. At times, I still have difficulty uttering a single word. None of that has changed in the past seven years. I also get set back to square one with repeated strokes and have to fight my way back again. Each time, I regain a little less. All my strokes have been basal ganglian ischemic and self rectifying, small hemorrhagic in nature.

I don't say this for self pity. I'm just stating facts. It's what I face each and every day of living post stroke. Sure, I tell you the "rosy" side and what I've conquered this week. How I achieve certain things to do. Several other stroke survivor blogs that I read do the same thing. Why? Because we feel it might help someone else who may be facing the same thing.  We choose to inspire "CAN DO" attitudes.  All other stroke survivors have to do is try. Will you succeed the first time? Probably not. But keep on truckin' and keep trying. As a child, how many times did you try to tie your own shoes? How did it make you feel? The word is self empowered. It was something you could do for yourself and nobody had to do for you ever again. Well, not never again. A stroke has set you back some.

My shorts that I wore after my first stroke had a tie in the front of them. This was after I progressed back to them from men's boxers. I sat on the toilet trying to tie the ties. Finally, I figured it out. I proudly went out to show my husband. After his beaming praises and his generally cheerleading, he untied my shorts. "Now, do it again."

After I did it, I looked at him for praises. He did and untied it again. "Do again." After I retied the shorts a third time he asked, "You got it?" I nodded. He didn't do this to be mean. He knew that repetition was the key to learning and having it stick. Now, I can't tell you how many times I tried to tie my shorts and didn't have positive results, but I did figure out a way for me to tie my shorts with them on my body with one functioning hand. I still haven't forgotten. My point is this, I knew what I wanted to do and I didn't give up trying.

Some things I try and after I achieve the ability or relearn, I'll allow others to do it. When I first started writing this stroke blog, I mentioned that using hedge trimmers was impossible one handed. But, I hadn't tried to figure it out. Not to let anything daunt me, I figured it out. I can use hedge shears. It's clumsy and looks really weird watching me do it, but the point is I figured it out. But, I'll allow someone else do it for me. I can lift a 50# bale of hay or feed, but only if I have to. Mel and I moved two rounds of straw off her truck bed when we started the orchard because we had to and there was no one around to help. Each of these bales weighed 700#! Both of us were exhausted when we finished putting them where they needed to be. But we did it. After that fiasco, we settled for the more expensive 50# bales the next two years. They are more both of our speed. Lesson learned.  Some things are just fool hardy. This was an example of one. I'll do something once, if it's not necessary, just to prove I can or in this case, we can.

Now, I'll take some chances like operating power tools for the first time. For example, the chop saw. The thought of a one handed person operating one of these makes many persons' blood run cold. Unlike Dean, who does this fairly frequently (grin). I blame Dean and the picture of him in his workshop that he used to have on his blog for even giving me the idea. I use clamps for the hand I'm lacking. I've gone on to use my battery operated tool Ryobi set to build and repair things around the homestead to take the place of my nonfunctioning hand. Things like chain saws and weed whackers require a harness attachment. But, my point again is I can. It just takes some finagling to figure out how to do it. I can't let Mel have all the building fun and doing it safely.

If I didn't try, I never would do most of the things I used to do. Or, even want to do. Just because I'm disabled doesn't mean I'm worthless. I just figure out a way around obstacles and do it. Now there's some things I can't do with my left hand that I can do with my right. I'm definitely a right hand dominant individual with my creativity. I lack a lot of dexterity in my left hand for fine detail like drawing. I can barely write legibly with my left hand. It has to do with damage I've done to the hand over the decades. For example, my left thumb and wrist. It has been crushed, repeatedly fractured, cut to almost being severed so the resulting permanent damage and from the repairs has left it with only limited function. The rest of the hand has suffered similar abuse to where it is only half functioning. Does that stop me. No, it's a hindrance and inconvenience. It's my one functioning hand so I work around the problems to keep on truckin'.

Well, I've put off folding my laundry long enough. I really dislike folding laundry. I disliked it long before I had my strokes. UGH! It's sitting in the basket waiting on me. I better get to it and keep on truckin'.

Nothing is impossible.

     

Sunday Stroke Survival: Is Making Do Good Enough?

At times I wonder why I'm pushing myself so hard, to be better. I've accomplished so much in regaining my life in the almost six years since my first stroke. I'm following my dream although it's not the way I dreamed it. Why isn't making do good enough for me? For me, it's never good enough. I usually become retrospective around my birthday that just passed.

I mean really? Since my stroke, my ministry has changed to where I no longer deal with the general masses. It's now focused on those souls who are facing life altering events. I guess really it has always been there, but now it's more exclusively this. God has sent me on an unexpected journey through this experience, doesn't He always? He has never let me get comfortable or complacent in my lot in life. But then again, I'm thankful for this because I never stray from Him. He's always on my mind and heart as it should be.

My novel writing career is over. I won't say permanently, but for now. I'm still attempting nonfiction daily with iffy results. But I'm attempting to regain that part of my life too.

Why do I push myself to go and look beyond what I can do now? I mean I can knit, spin yarn,attempting to crochet again, learning how to weave cloth, garden, care for small livestock, cook up a storm, preserve what I grow and cook, walk around 1/2 an acre homestead out of two acres with little difficulty, tend a wood stove for heat, and a slew of other things. I'd say I've beaten my stroke except I haven't. I'm making do and blessed by it.

It's God's blessing and curse for me to strive to be better than I am. I know, I know. I shouldn't call it a curse because it truly is a blessing that He's given EVERY soul the desire to be the best they can be. I always say my stubbornness and attitude are my saving Grace when dealing with living post stroke. I just won't settle for good enough. I want the best. Isn't that a human nature thing? I believe most human nature things are from God. An emptiness that only He can fill or inspire to fill.

I should be satisfied with with what I've accomplished so far and quit striving for more? Why do I want more? Life abhors a vacuum. It doesn't stand still. It is constantly changing. Therefore, we are constantly adapting in our lives. Maybe not as great as the challenge of recovering from a stroke, but  we all adapt to our situations in different ways; some small ways and some not so small.

Some things I just straight settle for now. Notice I use the word "now." It's always for now because with practice, I find easier and better ways to accomplish the task. Some things I put off doing because of time constraints or more likely frustration level. But, they are revisited another time like using hedge clippers one handed. I haven't mastered this, but can use them one-handed in a pinch. In a much earlier blog, I used this as an example of being impossible to do. Nothing is impossible, as my tagline reads.
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How do you know if you can succeed at something, if you don't try? You don't. That's why I try everything. I don't always succeed the first time or the twentieth.Sometimes, I'll chock it up to I can't do it right now. Again, that qualifier word is used. When I stood up for this first time after my stroke, I was wobbly like a child testing his boundaries. It got easier and better as I practiced. The point is I tried to stand in the first place. Or should I say, the therapist made me. I was terrified, but as I continued to try I gained confidence in my ability and the fear dissipated. This is as it always is. It's fear of the unknown and pushing the envelop of what is.

After all...

Nothing is impossible.

Sunday Stroke Survival: If All Else Fails, Punt

I know football season is over for another year, and punting a football is nigh on impossible living post stroke, but if the shoe fits you wear it. Hmm, wonder if I fit enough clinches in the first line? I also said the no-no word "impossible."<grin>

Jo, are you feeling okay? Actually, I'm fine and dandy so put your mind at rest. I just get frustrated at times and that's what this blog is about...working through frustration.

Everyone gets frustrated from time to time. But, as a stroke survivor, it seems to happen more frequently over the littlest stuff. Mainly, you are trying to  do something that should be second nature to you you've done it for so long before your stroke. Like walking or going to the bathroom, but all of that went out the window after your brain fart. Actually it's known as a brain infarct, but it's the many times where you go, "Oops, that didn't work right," and PFFT, it's gone." Thoughts evaporated just like the knowledge was never there.

Normally, before your stroke, you chocked it up to being busy or having too many irons in the fire. God forbid, you give age credit for these mishaps especially if you're under 50 to old fart's disease or CRAFT. You can blame it on old fart's disease, if your over 50. But now, after your stroke, it happens all the time and it gets frustrating to live with.

I often repeat what Thomas Edison says about creating the light bulb here.  You don't think he got frustrated a few times during this process? I'll bet he did. There are plenty of times along this living post stroke journey that I've looked at this and said, Edison was a braver man than me. But then, I realize he only tried 10,001 ways, I'm well above that number in attempts to walk unaided by my AFO or cane, and regaining use of my arm in almost six years of living post stroke. I still haven't found that one successful way of making them work like they are supposed to, but I haven't quit yet either.

Do you ever just get tired of adapting and just want to do? Oh, yeah! It takes a tremendous amount of time and effort to have to adapt everything to get anything done. I've always taken pride in my adaptability. I was able to turn on a dime to figure out a way to do something. With the starvation and blood killing off millions of brain cells, even my turns now take a minimum of three points to make a turn (physically and mentally). But, I thank God for this adaptability trait every single day. It allows me to still follow my dreams (more on this in a future post). In other words, I fall back and punt. Going with Plan B, is never anyone's first choice or it wouldn't be Plan B, would it? Even if it takes Plan C,D, or even F to get where you want to be, isn't it worth it? Whenever you strive for something more, there will be frustration. Think of it as a stretched Newton's Law of Relativity.

The thing that balances the frustration-doing point is desire. You have to want to do it. Edison wanted to create the light bulb. It didn't matter how many attempt it took him to him. He had the desire to do. So what are you that passionate about?

Coping strategies

• Those passionate things would be the things to focus on first. Count each little success until you achieve the big one. It takes a lot of dominoes to make a chain reaction of them falling in sequence. 
• Pick several passionate things to achieve. Work at each one. When one things gets too overwhelming or frustrating switch to another.
•  Give yourself some wiggle room and plenty of pats on the back along the way. 
• Look at things often retrospectively to see progress is being made. 

The comparison may surprise even you. The first time I used a knife after my stroke was awkward  and ineffective, but now I can cut anything. I just kept trying. Most times now, my fancy Swedish adaptive cutting board never gets used. Sure, the cuts aren't straight my cubes are even, but I get the job done with little effort. Retrospective vision is often overlooked. Don't do that! Allow yourself to give yourself pats on the back frequently because you've worked hard for them. Remember, if it were easy there would be no frustration.

Nothing is impossible.