Monday, January 23, 2012

MIA/Burnout/Broken Heart

I recently read a blog which said I'd dropped off the face of the Earth. sigh It's basically true. I pushed myself so hard with publishing four titles last year, accepted multiple projects, continued writing, had my house destroyed, my husband's health issues, my health issues (in case you didn't know I'm in heart failure, and had a stroke), computer malfunctions, problems with children and grandchildren, and a host of other things has slide lined me. About the only thing I do do these days is blog, edit, and write as fast as I can, but way slower compared to last year. I had the ability to write 6-10K words a day. I'm lucky to write 200 words now... all this in a matter of months.

I'm exhausted all the time with my heart not working right. I'm in bed at 8 PM every night with naps during the day because of it. I start each day with the best intentions only to have to change plans and energy disappearing like a water puddles on a hot day. So what does my cardiologist say about all of this...heart transplant. I refused. I'm an older woman who has lived her life to the hilt. I have no regrets or bucket list. Are there still things I want to do... of course. Life is all about the adventure of living life.

All in all, I'm depressed because I still feel my surroundings are falling in around me, the upkeep of the house mostly gets undone. Stacks of critiques lay in a pile on my desk. Writing assignments are half done. My ministry duties have tripled. Even shopping for groceries has become a major undertaking. I just don't have the energy so things fall through the cracks which are becoming canyons. But I still feel pressed to continue on. I am the only one in my household who can do it.  While I put on a brave outer face, my inner self is suffering. This is the side no one sees or only rarely.

 So this year brings some changes. I have to slow down more than I want to.
1) What it means is while I will keep the promised writing gigs, I won't be taking on any new clients. It breaks my broken heart to say it.
2) I will continue to help other writers to my best ability, but it will be a far cry from previous decades.
3) I still plan on publishing the books that are in progress.
4) If you've emailed me and haven't received a response, I will answer but it may take me a week to get back to you. It all depends on what you are asking me to do.

It's either this or not be here...and I want to be here. Know that the spirit is willing but the body is weak.

Keep writing and loving the Lord.

1 comment:

  1. Jo,
    I'm so sorry to hear how life is treating you. May the God of grace and glory give you rest and peace to take it one day at a time. I have a fatigue issue, too, but not at severe as your heart condition. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


I love to hear from you! Agree, Disagree, matter. Even if it's to say you were here.