Sunday Stroke Survival: The "Laziness" of Two

I've always said that I was fortunate that I didn't have a spouse that could do for me after my stroke for my recovery's sake. My husband was terminal ill and actually 18 months from dying when I had my first and second stroke. I had no choice, I had to recover as much as I could and fast. I relearned how to speak legibly, move, fetch, carry, cook, shop, clean, drive and be a full-time caregiver within six months. I had no choice. Amazing, but that in itself was a blessing. Everything was have to relearn it NOW!

Fast forward five years. I'm living in an environment with an able bodied roommate. I find myself "lazy." I'm no longer struggling to lift 30-50 lbs of animal feed. If I don't want to, Mel can do it. In fact Mel is doing a lot of things I used to do if I find it's too much of a struggle for me. This is a luxury I never knew when my husband was live.

Am I wrong to take advantage of this luxury? When I think of other stroke survivors out there living post stroke who've had this kind of support all along, I rationalize that I was due. But in truth, I'm just being lazy and not being my proactive self. To me, yes! It's the laziness of two syndrome setting in.

Not really, but this morning...

Take this morning for example. It was cold in the house. It was only 31 degrees for the night's low.The night's fire in the wood stove had burned out. There was nothing but ash in the hearth part. I left it, donned my sweatshirt and turned on my personal electric heater.  Mel has gotten me spoiled by always making sure there was enough wood inside to start a roaring fire until last night. I didn't run out to the front porch for firewood. My fingers were too cold to even sort through my morning medicines. In my rationalizing, self centered mind, it was Mel's fault for not bringing in enough wood to start a fire. It didn't matter that I had overslept. In fact, Mel woke up 30 minutes after I did. That almost never happens. Usually, by the time she wakes up, I'd started a fire, cooked breakfast, made her tea, had the bread or whatever started, and assorted other things.

In reality, I was lazy and full of self pity. I actually can see myself in the role of other stroke survivors out there now with others able to do for them. I did eventually set up Mel's breakfast tray after she started the fire and she was outside feeding the animals. A short year ago, I would have done all these things. The sad thing is that this behavior is becoming the norm for me now. Sure, I'll still sort out and help with the garden, care for the homestead critters, and cook. But now it's with lackluster enthusiasm. It's the laziness of two because there is someone else to do it for me.

I realized my laziness of two is causing more work for us this morning when I thought about how we set up the straw bales in the garden. In part, honestly it was a brain fart moment. When I brought in the last ten bales of wheat straw, I suggested putting cardboard down first under the bales. Mel decided to use weed cloth because it was easier. I didn't argue with her because I was tired and couldn't voice my reason for using the cardboard instead. This morning, it came to me crystal clear why I wanted cardboard under the bales and use the weed cloth in the walkways. It was a "Doh!" moment. Worms can't get through the weed cloth, the plant roots can't grow through it, and it won't decompose for decades. Now, we'll have to redo a whole 40' row. Made worse because the rain we had this week has soaked the bales so now they are twice as heavy. The composted straw bales were to enhance the decomposing wood  chips to build the soil. With the weed cloth down we would have had to remove the good composted bales in two years to add it to the wood chips after removing the barrier. So much for working smarter. But at least I caught my mistake before 40 bales of straw was down.

Another example of sheer laziness of two on my part has to do with the little shopping I do. I don't put the reusable shopping bags back in my car. As a result we get a those plastic bags. But there is a happy result with this laziness, I can spin Plarn (plastic yarn). With the plarn, I can knit or crochet market bags which I can use or sell. But it's more work on me and Mel. I still don't play well with scissors. Then, I have to spin it on my spinning wheel. Yes, I know you don't have to spin it to use it, but I have a stronger more consistent product to work with by spinning it. Part of me is still in the marketing mode that dictates a better product commands a better price point. So now, I'll have tan (grocery bags), blue (walmart bags) and white (pharmacy, Lowes, and Dollar Store bags) to work into plarn this winter as if I didn't have enough angora and sheep's wool to spin already. Oh, and all those little plastic bags filled with product, I only carry half of them inside...Mel gets the rest. It's the laziness of two.

In a way the luxury of the laziness of two has been a blessing. It's less wear and tear on me having someone else share the load. But when I start taking advantage of it, that's just not right. That's one thing I've got to change starting today. I'll be making A HUGE pot of beef, vegetable and barley soup tonight. I'll be canning the excess. Why? Because I can and it's less work later. Mel has to pick up a truckload of wood and cardboard today, so I'll keep her company and help as much as I can. Tomorrow morning I'll be out in the garden and orchard with her, sans two hours for a doctor's appointment. I'll be side by side working with her until weather stops us. The laziness of two stops right now. Together we can accomplish more.

It snowed this week! The whole area was blanketed with the white stuff.  It was predicted to only be a couple inches worth, but you couldn't tell it by our place. There was enough snow to have a snow ball fight in the garden. I'd say closer to 6" on Thursday and another inch or two the next day. Well, the straw bales will get a good soaking when it all melts. It still hasn't as of this morning.

Nothing is impossible.

To Write or Not Right Now

I've spent the last two weeks not writing a single word except for this blog. What's behind this stoppage of work? Exhaustion? Family? Uninspired? Laziness? Mental issues? Depression? How about all of the above!

Whichever one I want to blame that's the cause. This month is more than halfway over and I haven't written a single new word to my book, Don't Get Your Panties in a Wad. In fact, I haven't even opened my rough draft this month.<shaking my head> I'm ashamed to call myself an writer, because I'm not writing.

This month I'm exhausted. I stay that way no matter how much sleep I get. I'll drag in from my PT/OT sessions and crawl into bed. In a two-hour session, I'll peddle mountains for three miles on a bike, 1,000+ steps, biofeedback/e-stem exercises for 20 minutes, range of motion exercises for my arm, computerized reactions, and stretches for an hour. After a two-hour nap, I'll do more of the at home exercises and another round of electrical stimulation (e-stim). I'll lay down for another half hour, not really sleeping just doing some light bed exercises and stretches while watching the idiot box. Then I'll nuke something for supper eating it with no appetite but because I have to eat before night meds and 8 & 10 PM.

On the family front, so far this month there has been one grandchild's birthday, a day at the beach,  my anniversary, my nephew's birthday, my niece's wedding, homecoming at my home church, two baby showers, and my husband's birthday. Never a dull moment which the reason this blog is titled The Murphey Saga instead of some clever writerly name. It's the never ending story of the Jo Murphey, the writer. It's comparable to a bad soap opera.  Kind of like that night time soap opera a dozen and a half years ago with Billy Crystal "Soap."

Uninspired and laziness (see above) It seems there are more things taking away my energy spoons faster than I can replace them. So just what am I doing with my time? I find myself on POGO in between times trying to increase my speed of various games, rebuilding my vocabulary with Scrabble  and QWERTY, matching skills with Mahjong, Sequencing abilities with card games, Bingo, and Boggle. I used to find these things relaxing but now they task my brain and can get frustrating...it's work. But I'm also building my clicking speed with my mouse. If only I could draw left handed, but that's a superfine motor skills...like writing. On the hand writing front, I can write where others can actually read what I wrote. I've progressed from that large kindergarten paper to wide ruled although I still have trouble staying on the line. Maybe I'll try coloring.

The mental stress is caused from the stroke and I realize this. Having to backspace over misspelled words, seeing all the green and red squiggly lines is down right depressing. My depression stems from my not being able to write/type the way I'm used to and a whole lot of other things since the stroke. I long for the days of just 4 1/2 months ago when I could  plug away at my keyboard and finish a rough draft of 50K words in a matter of weeks. I started this book two months ago and typed 16K words and it's a mess worthy of a grade-schooler and I'm having doubts big time. You think I'm joking? You know that grade reading level thingie in the spell checker? Up until last week it tallied 5.2. But the last addition brought it up to 8.0 which is about standard although my usual for nonfiction is about 10th grade level. I keep reminding myself that I had a stroke less than five months ago, but that is getting old even to me. If you are following my other blogspot blog PastorJoSays, it goes into more detail about my rationale for my stroke. 

This is my pity pot thinking when it takes me 45 minutes to shower and wash my short hair, and another 5 to brush my teeth and hair, 20 minutes to put on clothes so they are not skewed or twisted. Forget about make-up! I've never been one of those fru-fru type of gals. Maybe some lipstick or blush on occasion, thank goodness. I've never been gorgeous and no amount of war paint will improve it. Normal was shower, dress, makeup and out the door in under fifteen minutes. Being able to cut my own finger and toe nails...maybe even polish them or buff them. Growing your own fresh vegetables. Being able to wash dishes in the sink. Fast chopping ingredients and preparing gourmet, home cooked meals. The little things in life that most people take for granted or at least I did until my stroke. Time's up! Off the pity pot.

On a lighter note, I'd forgotten I'd signed up for the annual Zombie Walk in Savannah next month until the email arrived last week. I'd planned to participate in full zombie regalia, do a book signing, and offer PDF CD versions of Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption and what should have been Zombie Apocalypse: Travelers. Travelers still sits on my hard drive, and since the stroke, it still needs a major rewrite. I e-mailed the sponsor back with my regrets, explaining my stroke, and although I would make an excellent zombie with a dragging arm, droop my face a bit, and twisted foot...I just couldn't sign books. Oh well, maybe by March in Jacksonville. Or next year in Savannah. It seems like I'm saying that a lot these days...maybe next year. It's not procrastination...it just is. My insurance is done for physical therapy. I'm still fighting with Social Security Disability with the help of a lawyer. But if it takes as long as with my husband's case...I won't need it. I plan to be fully recovered by then.

In the meantime, I plan to start writing again in on Monday...wish me luck.
Keep writing and loving the Lord

How do handle real life intrusions to your writing?