Sunday Stroke Survival: Finding Solace and Peace After a Stroke

After your stroke, where do you find peace and solace? Last week, I talked about gardening and the death of my much loved bunny. I know Diane over at Pink House on the Corner is mourning the ten year anniversary of her late husband's stroke and his subsequent death. Others like me, are uncelebrating their stroke anniversaries or deaths of loved ones even dumb animals.

I'm also combating cancer, again. I'm undergoing treatments again, but this time as a patient. We are slowly coming out of virus lock downs. I still haven't had my biannual haircut so my hair is aggravating me. I need to have it cut before it starts falling out. Not much is more devastating than finding huge clumps of hair on your pillow each morning. I usually avoid this by cutting my hair to 3" around my head before treatments start but I couldn't this time. It doesn't seem so bad when it happens. I know this is a psychological trick, but it helps me.

It all keeps piling up and on my huge line backer shoulders.

I could start spouting platitudes like 'God doesn't give us more than we can handle,' and 'That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger,' or better yet, 'This is the easiest cancer to cure.' Doh! I know this I've beaten it before and it came back!!

Everyone has a point when they need to fall back, regroup, and recharge so they can keep on surviving. You may not wanted to survive your stroke, but guess what, you did. You had to put on your big girl panties and deal.  You've had your fifteen minutes on the pity pot and didn't want to get off. I've been all these places too and right now, I have felt like Atlas carrying the world on my shoulders.  

No, please don't feed my pity pot monster.  

It's big enough!

I pulled myself off the pot already. I escaped into my usual place for solace and peace. Within me, as a Christian, I rely on the Holy Spirit and I lean on my Heavenly Father. I go into a trance like state while I physically do other things like pulling weeds, planting seeds, and watching nature. Being in turmoil is nothing new between my Father and me. It seems I'm always asking "why?" and "help me understand!" Eventually, the answers either come or don't come, but I feel better. I'm consoled and at peace again. In a way it's quite irritating. It's like demanding an answer from someone and getting so much warm fuzzies that I don't realize until much later that He didn't answer my demand. But that's okay, it's worth the consoling peace and sense of well being I feel. This works for me.

 Some others meditate, it's basically the same thing. You are centered afterwards. Others will pray and only pray. Others will let it all turn to anger. This is the dangerous type. They strike out at everyone within reach and 'scream' at the top of their lungs. If this releases them and they come away calmer, this isn't necessarily bad. But if it turns inward and festers it accomplishes nothing. I won't go into the self-destructive behaviors here, but others also do this. 

I've spent decades dealing and counseling folks. I'll escape as often as I need to. I learned how bad and self-destructive I can be to myself. I am and always will be a recovering alcoholic and heroin abuser. It's now been over half my life free of this abuse, but I'm still in recovery. Just like my living post stroke or recovering from grief. It never ends it will always be part of who you are. It's what you do with it that makes the difference. I choose life whatever that may entail. I put my big girl's panties and armor of God's Word on every day.

Where are you in this equation? Find your place for emotional solace and peace no matter what happens. Know how you reacts when the pressure mounts. Find your relief valve and run to it. Is your relief valve not working, be adventurous and find a new one. There isn't a one size fits all. You have to find what works for you.

Nothing is impossible. 

 

Sunday Stroke Survival: You Ever Hear the Saying...

When it rains, it pours? Well, that's how it's been around here for a while now both figuratively and literally.

Remember last week I planned for us to go out for a pizza? I made plans to do it sooner rather than later. Last Monday, I had an appointment with my new vascular surgeon. The CTA of my carotids showed my left carotid artery is greater than 95% blocked while my right was only 70% blocked. He showed my the CTA and I couldn't even see a pin hole of contrast in two parts. The left side needed to be cleared yesterday according the surgeon or I was at major risk a massive stroke. Wouldn't you know it would be on my left side where I've had all my other strokes too. The exception would not be a blood clots, but plaque.

When I recited what I'd been through this summer he nixed the idea of an open roto-rooter approach in favor of the newish TCAR. It's like a heart cath with stent placement. It is done as an outpatient procedure (about 4 hrs in and out) An external tube with a filter shunts the blood from my carotid to my femoral arteries. No plaque or blood clot could pass through the filter so the likelihood of having a stroke from this procedure is minimal. I told him I needed two weeks to do my own research (pros and cons) and pray about it. He agreed and set me up a consult for two weeks hence. I don't take anyone's word on what's best for me. You shouldn't either.

My neurologist cleared me to drive again February 1st. Yippee. As of this appointment I let Mel drive because she had some shopping to do in the "big" city. We were having such a good day talking about future plans like the chicken and quail farm, and just things in general. It was a bright, sunny day. The high was almost 70 that day! A true rarity for months of 2 days of sun maybe and the rest of the time freezing rain and snow flurries. We decided, since we were out and about anyhow, we'd do the pizza night thing on this particular Monday instead of waiting for Valentines Day. Even though I might call her "honey," I'm just as apt to call her "youngen." She ain't my sweetie. It's a southern thing.

As we turned off the main four lane into our town, I heard it and so did Mel. The dreaded thinking in the engine. Mel drove maybe a thousand feet before she could pull off the road. Mel checked the oil. It was about half a quart low, so she put that in. As she started the car, the thunking continued. My van was throwing a rod. We drove the van directly to the auto shop (less than 1/4 mile away). By the time we got there and opened the hood, oil poured from every crack and crevice around the motor. We didn't need the mechanic to tell us the engine was blown.

A neighbor (from 1/4 mile away) came to pick us up and carried us home. Mel hadn't replaced her truck that I had totaled in an accident in May. She was being picky, but understandably so. The days of backyard mechanics are over unless you have a pre-1980s vehicle. The cost of replacing the engine was more than my 18 year old vehicle was worth. Although I did love my Toyota Sienna van. I'll miss her. So now that I can drive again, I have nothing to drive for the time being.

Once home, we two, sexagenarian widows sat down and cried. After I cooked dinner, we discussed our situation. We had to have a vehicle. were out miles from town. I called Enterprise Car Rental, because they'll pick you up and they were the only car rental place in three counties. I rented it for a week because I didn't know how long it would take for Mel to get another vehicle SUV or truck, We had to have 4 wheel drive around here. As tight as it's been financially lately around here, I had no choice. They would pick Mel up the next day and she would start looking for a vehicle.

I've been telling Mel for years to give those things too big to handle to God and trust Him to sort it all out. Well, that night she did just that just as I did after the shock wore off. The next morning I reminded her of God's promise. She confessed what she'd done. I told her, "Let God work and don't worry the problem is being fixed." 

She stopped and called about every suitable vehicle with a "for sale" sign on it. None were in our price range. Then she hit the two dealerships and then every (3) buy-here-pay-here dealerships. The main problem even with a buy-here-pay-here dealerships, Mel hasn't held a job for three years. Nobody would sell her a car. Then she found a friend that she thought had gone out of business, hadn't. She went to see him. He had just moved it. He had two possibilities that he could sell her a Chevy Blazer and a Jeep. He flat told her she didn't want the Jeep. But she test drove both and decided on the Chevy. They discussed terms and shook hands on it. Yes, this is a small town where a handshake still means something.

So Wednesday, after only renting a truck for a day, she returned the vehicle to Enterprise. But there was a problem. Because of the short turn around, the week's worth of rental fees and deposit couldn't be refunded to her for two days. All her belief in "letting God work" went out the window went out the window and she panicked. She called me hysterically, she didn't have the money for the Chevy without some of that money. I talked to her calmly and eventually she took a breath. My words were beginning to sink in. I told her to call her friend.

Long story short, she had enough money in her wallet. She came home beaming with her prize.

"See, I told you let God work," I told her. "In the end, everything fell into place, didn't it?"

She responded, "Ya after my near heart attack and stroke."

"Be careful of the words coming out of your mouth. You could be me, and still not have a vehicle. Anyhow, whose fault was your near heart attack and stroke?

She looked down at her shoe. "Mine."

"Why?"

"Cause I tried to be an Indian giver with God"

"Repeat after me, Thank you, Jesus!"

                        She actually said it four times and I responded "Amen!"

So even though it was raining cats and dogs outside, a little bit of Son-shine poured in.

After all of that, the weather again kept Mel from driving anywhere. High winds, torrential rains, and 8" of snow fell within a couple of hours followed by 60 degree temperatures. Can you say thick mud? 

Nothing is impossible. 

Sunday Stroke Survival: The Queen of Abby Normal with Attitude

This week I made triple berry jam the way my grandmother used to without pectin. I found out last year that Mel does not favor strawberries. That was after we planted a dozen strawberry plants. So we harvested raspberries, blueberries, and blackberries last summer, as well as strawberries. I put about a quart of blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries into the freezer for this triple berry delight jam just for her.

While my latest A1C was 5 (optimal), I still basically eat like a diabetic. In other words limited refined sugars. I've been doing combat with my blood sugar since my stroke bottomed out my blood sugar. In one evening, I went from an insulin dependent diabetic to just the opposite...hypoglycemic (low blood sugar). I even eat two fun sized candy bars a night so my blood sugar doesn't bottom out while I sleep. Not that I mind. :o) But still my A1C comes out at about 4.6 or 5 every three months. Go figure! Don't try this at home folks. I'm the Queen of Abby Normal. All hail the queen. No doctor can figure it out. I'm just thankful. I make my strawberry jam without sugar.

In some ways, I feel abnormal about a lot of things I do. I knew my quirkiness suited me well while writing, but in real life, I was just different. My mental acuity was higher than those around me.  As a child, I'd rather sit with my elders and absorb what they had to say rather than be with others my own age. Kids my own age had nothing to teach me. At 16, I was doing college level course work and going to seminars to be happy.

Now as an older adult, I chose to go backward in time to homestead. Even being partially paralyzed from multiple strokes hasn't slowed me down much. Sure life would be a lot easier without the paralysis or spasticity, but I'm still doing. Even though, I believe, nobody in their right mind would choose to have a stroke. Life happens and it's not always good. There are situations beyond our control which happen. It happens to everyone worldwide. So what saves a person like me from total despair? My attitude. I don't believe there is nothing I can't do. No matter what if I want to do it. Nothing is bigger and stronger than my Father in Heaven. Being His child shouldn't I be able to do it too? I believe so.

So I use quantitative words for my shortcomings like "yet" when I say I can't do something like keep my inverted foot straight to walk without my AFO. "I can't walk without my AFO yet." I believe I will one day. I try to do it daily. This morning it was "Nope, not yet." That doesn't mean tomorrow I won't. Until then, I'll just keep trying.

That's not to say I don't get frustrated with this waiting game. I honestly do. I'm also childish and want everything NOW! So how do I deal with the situation? I could sit and pout. I could throw a temper tantrum. I could yell at the world. I could do a lot of things that will not help me at all. I'll do something for someone else. Then I don't feel so useless. I don't sit on the self-pity pot any longer than necessary. In this case, make my triple berry delight jam for Mel. At other times, it's knitting baby booties for the crisis pregnancy center. Believe me, I've made a lot of booties this year. I take what I can do and to downgrades what I can't. It feeds my ego and my sense of accomplishment. It makes me feel not useless.

Yes, I'm the Queen of Abby Normal with attitude. All hail the queen! Won't you join me?

Nothing is impossible.

Sunday Stroke Survival: Keeping the Faith

Forgive me for being overly Christian in this post. BUT I am a minister, after all. And, I'm living post stroke too.

I know many of you blame God, or ask God about your stroke? How could He let this happen to you??!!

 I hear you crying out. You've been hit with a whammy of a turmoil. How could God have let this happen to you? You were His child, weren't you? You were walking in faith, weren't you? You went to church every Sunday? Or every Sunday you could.  You prayed daily? You praised and thanked Him continually. You had no other God but the Father.

The fact is you may be blaming the wrong source. Yes, God may even let this happen to you. Look at Job in the Bible. God allowed him to be tested. To have his faith stretched to the limit. He lost everything in this world, but remained faithful and praised God. This is important. Nobody wants to go through what Job did. Honestly, would you except for the reward part? But, here we are faced with paralysis and a host of things that go along with it.

God, I hate my life the way it is now!

 I've been guilty of saying this in sheer frustration from time to time. But do I really? The answer is a big, fat NO. I may hate some parts of it like falling, and not being able to use my limbs the way God originally made me. But on a whole, I am content and at peace. God gifted me with  a creative mind to accomplish most of what I need to do. Sure, there are many things I wish to do, but can't right now. But given time, I might be able to figure it out. Nobody ever told you that this life would be easy. If they did; they were lying.

God, where is the healing You promised?

 Coming. Expect it, even though it might be 50 years in the waiting. It takes patience. Again, I direct you to Job. It wasn't a day worth of trials. It was months and years. Have you proven yourself faithful to the Father. I've been living post stroke for almost five years now. I'm still keeping faith with Him and expecting. In the meantime, I continue to live each day to the fullest. I do more by noon than most regular folks do in a day. I focus on the blessings instead of the turmoil. I praise Him for the beauty all around me. I even thank Him when I make it to the toilet in time instead of wetting myself. That's a HUGE blessing to me.

When God, When?

It's coming. This is the answer I get every time I ask. So I make applesauce and lemonade until it's time. I do what I can do. Try what I can't do. And, just keep on keepin' on. That's really all I can do. I still do my PT exercises so that when it does happen my muscles won't be wasted away. I figure out how to do things with my affected side to help me with my daily routine. Like coining the phrase, "Arm pit tight" when screwing on canning rings while canning our food. It would be a horrible slap in the face when, "God says, you're healed!" and I've let my muscles waste away to the point they won't work, wouldn't it? But I've accepted the fact that it is coming and am expecting it. Each day I try to stand and take a step without my AFO.

Why God did you let this happen to me?

Tough question. Yep, it sure is. Maybe, God wanted to change something in your life and you didn't listen. Maybe, God wanted you to step out in faith and you didn't listen. Maybe, God wanted you to be an example to others. I don't have the answer for you. You have to ask Him for your case. I know these were my answers. I was impatient like a petulant child. Always demanding and not waiting. He wanted me to have a broader focus in my ministry except for a traveling messenger. He wanted me to be humble and ask for help. He wanted me to continue leading by example. When I fulfill what He wanted I expect to be healed, or maybe not. God reserves the right to change His mind just like us. Will I be disappointed by not being healed fully? Yes and no. By living this life fully each day, I truly lack and want for little. I am content and at peace. Really that's all I need. He has shown me a rewarding life just as I am.

As always,

Nothing is impossible.