Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Craving Being Alone

YET!
This week has been really rough not only because my husband is actively dying. I'm SURROUNDED!

I've rarely had any alone time with just me and my husband. A revolving door has replaced my front door and the line of people trying to get in to be of help is growing larger by the hour. You've got to remember I'm basically a self sufficient person used to getting it done. I should be grateful.

Even saying that, I'm not opposed to help when needed. BUT STILL... family has been staying and feels I should not be left alone with my husband. They don't want me to be alone in case he dies as if I'd drop off the deep end when he dies and I can't handle it. They are hovering. A really morbid picture of buzzards circling the dying pops into my mind as I type this. But that is UNKIND. I know they are really doing it out of love and concern. They are also grieving.

My two fairly local (within 100 mile radius) daughters are taking shifts so I never am more than a couple hours alone with my beloved. Someone else is always here. I'm just complaining, I know I should be grateful for their attentiveness. I guess I've got to complain about something because this is a helpless situation and nobody can really do anything and they feel helpless too.

My beloved has been in a coma since yesterday. He speaks aloud in his state. I hear him talking to his mother. I am comforted by this because she is waiting for him. The death rattle type breathing and for the last twelve hours, the smell of death fills my nostrils. All I want to do is curl up on the bed with him as we did in happier times.

What is he waiting on? Nobody at hospice can understand, but my daughters and I know. He's waiting on his baby girl. She'll be home with our newest grandson in about three hours. I expect him to pass on quietly after that.

4 comments:

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Dear Jo - I'm sure you're right ... he will enjoy seeing his youngest and the new grandson ... and then his mother and other family await. My thoughts to you for some peace as you share these last moments together ... with love and thoughts - Hilary

Rebecca Dutton said...

I can relate to the ambivalence you feel about being surrounded by people at this difficult time. Coffee in your garden? I have talked to or seen many people who have pasted so I know there is life after death. Your husband does not have to wait for his grandchild to be born. He will be able to see her for many years to come. My thoughts are with you.

Zan Marie said...

{{{hugs}}} I know this wait all to well. My family has had hospice help for three members in the last 10 years. It's almost more than one can bear. Just know I'm only a thought and a prayer away. As are so many of your friends. {{{{hugs}}}}

Deniz Bevan said...

I'd feel the same way but of course you can't say no to family, especially when they've got good intentions. Still, hope you get some alone time together {{hugs}}