Sunday Stroke Survival: An Attitude Adjustment

 I was listening (streaming) my favorite HIS radio this week trying to get out of my funk. I was on the pity pot because in spite of the podiatrist shaving my callus down on my AFO clad foot, it was painful to take a step.  Well, I had pushed pass the pain to make kimchi last week. A big mistake, 

So now, I could make one trip to the front door and back (50 ft one way) before the pain sets in. The pain is in the ankle and last all day long allowing for trips to the bathroom and back to my seat (about thirty steps) without the pain becoming too excruciating. I am now sitting in the chair playing on the computer with my leg elevated above my heart on a bar stool most of the time. I had so much I wanted to do, but can't so frustration sets in. Thus enters the pity pot. It just hurts too bad to walk any farther.

I was playing a game in the computer when this song came on the radio. "Say I Won't" by Mercy Me. It struck my heart with such conviction I thought I would share it with y'all. I didn't know the story behind the song until I watched the video. All I can say is watch and listen.

It reminded me of how far I've come since my ischemic/hemorrhagic stroke that left me paralyzed on the right side in 2012. I was thankful. No, I haven't recovered the use of my arm nor leg, but even such, there is not much I can't do that I did before even with the loss. I just have to learn a new way to do it or adapting. 

Although I've heard this song many times, this time I saw me in the song. How many times have circumstances rose before me in the past. How many times in here and in real life I've said, "Watch me!" Suddenly, the funk cloud lifted. Sure, I can't walk now because of pain. But, will it stay this way forever, probably not. 

~~I'm gonna run
No, I'm gonna fly
I'm gonna know what it means to live
And not just be alive.

The world's gonna hear
'Cause I'm gonna shout
And I will be dancing when circumstances drown the music out
Say I won't ~~

Watch me! 

Eventually, I'll get a new PCP who'll write an order for my AFO to be fixed and I only have to wait until August for my new neurologist to shoot me full of Botox to somewhat tame the spasticity. Then, I'll be raring to go again. It just seems like forever. Say I won't... my faith will show you and I'll say 'watch me' go with a renewed attitude.  Patience, Jo, patience. ARGH!!!  Repeat to yourself over and over again.... 

"God is good, all the time. Remember, God's timing is impeccable. 

Never too early nor too late. It's just a matter of perspective."

Nothing is impossible.

Sunday Stroke Survival~ Back in the Saddle Again Finally!

Well, most of my Facebook friends know, but y'all don't know that I've started OT again on my arm. This was my first week back since September of last year. Why the delay? I couldn't arrange (read afford) a private sitter for my DH (darling hubby) for me to arrange for my therapy sessions...

 $15 an hour (1 1/2 hours with drive time)X 3 times a week X 4 weeks in a month = a HUGE expense on a very limited budget. Our insurance will pay for hospice but not for private sitters for my care issues. I just couldn't justify the extra expense nor did we have the money to spare for me to be in therapy. Although my insurance will pay 100% of the therapy bill, I've been borrowing from Peter to pay Paul for some months now and see no end in sight. No, I'm not whining.

When I spoke to an old friend of over twenty years, who is also a minister and volunteer with hospice, about my dilemma she flat told me it wouldn't do to hurt myself because of my husband's health issues. She arranged for a slew of volunteers to sit with my husband for free while I took therapy.

The only problem was my husband's paranoia about too many strangers in the house. This friend got volunteers who were off duty police officers and their spouses. Although most of the officers I worked with many years ago have retired, their children now work on the force. It becomes old home week playing catch up with all of them.

I started OT with a new therapist. My old therapist works strictly in pediatrics now. I was really leery about having to train a new therapist. My old therapist and I understood each other perfectly since both of us were willing to try anything to get results. I expressed my concerns with the director of rehab services when he stopped and talked to me. So in walks this new therapist. I do mean new because she only graduated last August. I begin clearing the air. I've never been shy to say what I want and what I expect. It's the only way to open a meaningful dialogue. AND, there has to be a meaningful dialogue for progress to occur.

She stepped out of the room for some heat packs for my shoulder, arm, and hand when the rehab director poked his head into the room. I could see the question in his eyes...'Well, what do you think?' I gave him a thumb up. The young lady was open and honest. It was a starting place.

The witch with a "B" about my stroke is paralysis with high tone and spasticity. While the Botox reduces the amount of spasticity in the bicep and pectoral muscles the tone is still in play. This is most obvious in my wrist and fingers.

We've only had one mild disagreement in the past two sessions about paralysis. In school she was taught that true paralysis dealt with only flaccid muscles and no voluntary motor response so because I exhibited high tone and spasticity I wasn't paralyzed. Well, she was wrong. To prove it I Googled the definition of paralysis on my Kindle in a medical dictionary. I left her with one sage piece of advice. Learn something new each day.

The second session I heard something I hadn't heard in over a year. I believed it. I'd worked towards it. But had not heard a medical professional say it. There is hope for almost full recovery of my arm. I had expressed if I could just get use of my elbow back that I would be happy. Then I got a cramp in my hand as she stretched my fingers out one by one. My fingers out stretched like a gnarled, old witch's hand during the cramp. Both of us stared at it in surprise. Our eyes met and "Did you see that!" came out of both of our mouths in unison. The hand curled back into a fist after it was over.

"We've got to work harder on this!" she said. "Heck with only your elbow. We're gonna get your hand back too!"

Now, I can't wait for my Tuesday therapy session. It won't happen overnight, but with time, I may just do that. It was just the hope renewal I needed.

Nothing is impossible with determination.