Some Days I Think I'm Fine...

I haven't talked much about my grieving widow side. That's about to change. Some days I think I'm fine and handling my grief okay, and then something happens that makes me fall apart like my beloved's death was yesterday. Yes the first year is toughest and a huge transition! It's hard. The least little thing will upset my calm. It's always unexpected.

For instance...
Hospice called and asked if I could come and hangs my husband's angel on their remembrance Christmas tree. At first I said yes. Then as I was showering, I realized that I hadn't even been to his graveside since the funeral. I started crying and couldn't do it. It sounds like such a little thing to do, but for me it was impossible right now.

I was driving to physical therapy and a Christmas song came on the Christian radio station I listen to while driving. "A Different Kind of Christmas" by Mark Schultz.

It was the first time I've heard it. The tears started rolling down my cheeks so bad that I had to pull over.

The fact that it's the Christmas season doesn't help. It will be totally different than any I've had in all my years. I will be totally alone. All my children (sisters, brothers & my father too) will be in their own homes with their own families and in laws. My father will be in North Carolina with my stepmother's children. So instead of there being 50-75 head of people, there will be just me. Now I've had my share of invitations to join this or that family or friend, but I've declined. I just don't feel joyous.

Another part of me, I finished a mental competency test where I was drawing blanks for about half the tasks or couldn't verbalize the snswer. It didn't exactly bolster my feeling of well being. It will be a month before I know the results. Having a spouse die isn't enough to have to go through. I have the possibility of my independence taken away hanging over my head too. While I'm muddling through, I am not good company. Waiting has never been a strong virtue of mine.

Lastly, I received a package in the mail yesterday. It wasn't something I ordered. Inside I found two notes. The first one was an apology from the company for the long back order status. The second was a hand written note from my beloved to accompany the gift. I don't know if he meant it as an anniversary or Christmas present, but it was totally unexpected!

Some days I think I'm fine, but other days I'm a total mess! So now you know. May each of you have a blessed Christmas with you and yours.